Common App Essay Critique?

LKnomad
Tue, 06 Oct 2015 03:33:43 +0000

Why not start with this:

The referee blew his whistle and the ball was off in my direction. In my head, I was the star of a sports movie, racing down the field dribbling the ball swiftly with my feet. I broke through the barrier of the team’s other players and kicked the ball with the power of a million exploding suns. The ball sliced through the grass and hit the net of the goal with ease. I turned towards the crowd to take in the cheers and excitement of my play, only to make eye contact with the other team’s goalie on the opposite end. My magnificent goal had just scored the other team a point that would contribute to their victory.

This is a great way to pull your reader in. I made no changes to your words. This is just a cut and paste. Fabulous start!

Also starting with soccer will help bring it home when your end your final sentence with soccer.