Could I get some feedback-Common app essay on failure---BE BRUTALLY HONEST

BrownParent
Fri, 30 Oct 2015 07:51:07 +0000

if there is time to edit and remove , please never place an essay online. Read the warnings pinned to top of forum and suggestions.

OK it seems to be older.

1st para can be completely removed. This is normal. You are just making a preamble that is unnecessary. Also I do not like in this case your reference to the reader as ‘you’ and then not staying in that person.

2nd para is your real opening para and it is fine.

3rd para is too detailed, you do not need to bore the reader.

My advice:

Stop switching between first and second and third person. Pick one.

Don’t spend time overly detailing things the reader will ‘get’ easily.

This is too one dimensional and ‘pat’. I actually have read essays like this. The more successful ones bring in more complex elements. But don’t be discouraged by this. Instead, write and write. If you are really digging deeper, which you really need to to, you could possibly write the baking completely out of it because you find more genuine and meaningful things to say.