Could someone score/comment on my practice SAT essay?

Nothings
Mon, 19 Jan 2015 06:15:02 +0000

@Woandering‌ Thank you for responding! For a revised thesis that’s more direct and supported would this be sufficient: “Avaricious acts generally do not make the world a better place because the focus of such acts inherently result, at least overall, in the injury of others because they are treated as less important than the self-serving individual.”? Then the second part of my first sentence could then be made a sentence by itself?

Again, thank you very much for your comments/constructive criticism.