Could someone score/comment on my practice SAT essay?

Woandering
Mon, 19 Jan 2015 06:23:36 +0000

You’ve definitely improved, but now that thesis is long and complicated. Make sure there is only one “because.” In fact, I think it’s easier to rearrange your original thesis. “Because selfishness results in corruption…, avaricious acts do not make the world a better place.” A lot of the time, you just need to communicate your idea clearly, flowing from reason to the (obvious) statement.

More advice: For the intro, you want your thesis to be the last (or 2nd to last, if you really want that forecast sentence) sentence in your intro. Use a hook if possible. I always use the counter-argument hook because it’s easy to use for every situation.

So example: Libertarians (or use Many people, if you don’t know who argues the other way) generally argue that self interest drives the economy and helps make the world a better place. This is understandable (this is always a nice touch to show your own understanding), considering the abundance of literature regarding capitalism. However, this is not true. Because selfishness results in corruption…, acaricious acts do not make the world a better place. (And personally, I would stop here, but if you really wanted to, you could go on to say) Several examples from literary works delineate the greed-driven downward spiral of an individual’s society.

So that’s a longer and structurally better introduction.