Could you please grade my essay?

Singersdad
Fri, 25 Apr 2014 07:07:35 +0000

8/12

I am not an English teacher so please know this is only my personal opinion.

Suggestions:
consider moving thesis sentence to end of 1st paragraph and show some swagger! Drop the needless qualifiers in ( )

"(It is important to note though, that their) success always depends upon people’s willingness to sacrifice their personal interests in favor of the community. "

I really enjoy the passion and knowledge you exhibit in the 300 paragraph. Showing a willingness to die for a cause is very powerful example. However, one die for freedom example is probably enough.

I think broader consideration of the prompt could help. What other rights might people give up to make communities work ? Limits on exploiting natural resources or polluting. Limits on loud music at 3 am? Even things like speed limits or traffic lights. Submitting to a drvers test. Submitting to the draft, adherence to the voting rights act, enforcing the emancipation proclamation. There are lots of times when people are bound by governmental action to do things they would rather not do. Anything from stopping at stop signs to freeing slaves. Tell readers WHY we submit to rules.

Really solid conclusion, keep it up!

Last bit of advice, omit needless words when possible.

You are a good writer! Best of luck on the test.