Could you please grade my essay?

stefkost
Thu, 24 Apr 2014 18:03:37 +0000

The e-rater says it’s a 6, but I don’t think that a machine can grade as well as a human can…

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.It is not that people dislike being part of a community; it is just that they care about their individual freedoms more. People value neighborliness and social interaction—until being part of a group requires them to limit their freedom for the larger good of the group. But a community or group cannot function effectively unless people are willing to set aside their personal interests.
Adapted from Warren Johnson, The Future Is Not What It Used To Be

Assignment:

Does the success of a community—whether it is a class, a team, a family, a nation, or any other group—depend upon people’s willingness to limit their personal interests? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

My Response

Throughout the ages, the human civilization was advancing through technological and social progress, both results of the collaborative work of the various communities that made up and still make up human society. These small communities, from school classes to political parties, play a significant role in defining peoples’ roles and creating a collective feeling of social conscience. It is important to note though, that their success always depends upon people’s willingness to sacrifice their personal interests in favor of the community. The courageous sacrifice of the Spartan soliders in the battle of Thermopylae during the Persian wars, the progress of the United States of America during the years of the revolution as well as the heroic acts of Ghandi, the liberator of India, demonstrate the validity of this statement.
Almost two thousand five hundred years ago, the mighty Persian Empire raged war on the free city states of Greece. The declaration of war brought chaos in Greece. Many regions succumbed to Persian rule, while others waged epic battles to keep the enemy far from their homeland, in cooperation with all the free people of Greece. Sparta made an agreement with Athens, and was fighting against the Persian army near Thermopylae. Leonidas, the brave spartan general, led his brave, bloodthirsty spartans to victory against the great persian army. However, a greek solider named Ephialtes betrayed the Spartans, revealing vital information about their location and strategy to the persian king. Most Spartans fled the battlefield, and Leonidas stood against the gigantic enemy army with just three hundred of his bravest men. These men sacrificed their lives in favor of the fundamental value of liberty. They were part of a greater social group, as members of the Greek community, and chose to sacrifice their most valuable privilege, in order to make their vision of a free Greece come true.
At another continent, many centuries later, the people of the thirteen colonies decided to declare their independence from their British overlords. A huge political, social and military movement that we now aknowledge as the American Revolution, united the colonists and the American people at a common cause. The inhabitants of the Thirteen Colonies formed political councils in which absolute and direct democracy was applied, as everyone was expressing their opinions freely. What is more, the brave American soliders fought many victorious battles against the mighty British Army, thus beating power and discipline with courage and heroism. All these people were fighting against their British masters by limiting their personal interests as parts of a large national group. They finally succeeded in liberating their country, proclaiming it The United States of America.
Last, but not least, in the early 20th century, India was suffering by British colonial oppression. Ghandi, a visionary and a great political and cultural leader, united the Indian people under the common cause of liberation. He understood that he was fighting for the independence of India, sacrificed many of his personal interests and was aware of the consequences of his acts. When he was sent in prison for almost 7 years, he did not feel any regret, but continued fighting against the British. He finally succeedeed in liberating India as an independent nation, after a long and tiring battle.
Thoughout history, communities and groups, the foundations of human society, were progressing through the collective effort of their members. We must follow the example of our ancestors and sacrifice some of our personal interests in favor of a group’s progress. Because small limitations such as this are the ones that lead people to progress and improvement.