Dating black guy: parents in shock

Greybeard
Sat, 07 Mar 2009 12:40:34 +0000

I’m a white man who’s been married for fifteen years to a black woman. I also dated an Asian woman all through college, about thirty years ago. I grew up in a very conservative family.

The concerns of my college girlfriend’s parents expressed to her when we began getting serious were more cultural than racial. It wasn’t a question of what I was, but rather what I wasn’t - I hadn’t been raised in that culture, and didn’t speak their native language. I responded to that by enrolling in language classes, and trying very hard to learn to speak their language, and become familiar with their culture. I did win them over, particularly a grandmother who spoke no English at all. I ended up spending a lot of time with them, staying with them during spring break, and on weekends. (I even stayed with them on a visit to Asia after they had returned there, about a decade after their daughter and I had broken up.)

One thing I learned from this was that there was a fairly strong current of anti-black sentiment in their community. When my former girlfriend’s sister dated a black classmate, her father was extremely upset. His opinions about black people would not have been out of place in a Klan meeting, had they been expressed in English.

My own parents, despite being very conservative, are very accepting of my wife. Now that they have grandchildren who are, by some definitions, black, they’ve become veritable crusaders for racial equality.

My in-laws have been very accepting of me, and I have become very close to them.

People can change. But some people are more open to change than others. I’ve known people in interracial relationships whose families were a lot less accepting of it than mine, and this can be a heavy burden for them. Some of them are estranged from their families of origin. Conflicts with in-laws can be really hard on a marriage.

If your relationship continues to develop, it will be a very good thing if you can win your parents over. This may take serious time and effort; there are no guarantees that you’ll be successful. If this guy turns out to be someone you wish to spend your life with, that relationship will be strengthened if your families of origin learn to be accepting.