Daughter has been lying to me!

Nrdsb4
Thu, 05 Aug 2010 09:47:52 +0000

Baelor wrote:

Please held me understand this reasoning – it seems like the mother has treated the daughter with respect. In return, the daughter lies to the mother, sneaks out of their home, and drinks underage.

And this is all excusable because she gets good grades or whatever and “everyone else is doing it.”

I must live on another planet, because there is no way nonchalance would be the appropriate reaction in my family or any family I know.



To a degree, I agree with you. I would be quite disturbed if I discovered not only one lie, but a pattern of lying and deceit. It would not be excused on the basis of past successes or that everyone is doing it.

However, what people might be expressing here is that although not all teens will experiment with alcohol or lie about their whereabouts, teenage rebellion is not uncommon. This doesn’t mean that the rebellion is “okay” or that by virtue of the fact that it is a common aspect of adolescence it should go unchallenged. However, the fact that it is such a common aspect of human development should be kept in mind in order to avoid radical, histrionic reactions such as the OP’s statement below:



I see her and feel like not talking to her, like asking her to leave forever, to get out of my life.



That is completely out of proportion to the acts committed. I find it reasonable for the OP to feel betrayed, angry, etc. However, given that this kind of behavior in teenagers IS quite common, there is no need to go off the deep end. Having said that, it SHOULD be addressed and the OP is well within her rights to expect honesty and integrity from her child. I doubt having repeated arguments about the dishonesty or threats of banishment from the family is the answer, however.

It sounds like some very calm discussions regarding the OP’s family history of alcohol abuse are in order. I think it’s quite reasonable, and in fact, is really important that Mom discuss the dangers of drinking with her daughter that encompasses everything from legal ramifications, potential for car accidents, the higher incidences of sexual assault which can result from alcohol use, etc. It would probably be a good thing to show her the “letting go forever” thread so that the daughter can understand where her mom is coming from. I think it is appropriate to point out that she has no intention of funding four years of partying and consequences for lying and dishonesty should be set out.

Acknowledging that teenage rebellion is very common is NOT the same thing as accepting or condoning the behavior. We are faced with “common” bad behaviors by our children from the time they become toddlers-many toddlers bite or strike other children-we don’t accept this, we correct it, but we can correct this behavior without branding our children as bad kids. The same thing happens as they move on through elementary and middle school. Our kids may display common inappropriate behaviors. We correct the behavior, use the incidents as teaching opportunities and move on.

This situation is yet another opportunity for teaching about the dangers of alcohol and the importance of honesty and accountability in relationships. In matters of discipline I believe a firm stance must always be balanced by compassion, understanding and love.