DD victim of date rape

cptofthehouse
Thu, 16 Jun 2011 21:02:40 +0000

First of all, Mini, I disagree. There is a difference between date rape and rape in general. Yes, all date rape is rape, but not all rape is date rape. There are a number of differences and one is that it is much messier to get police action on date rape, much less a criminal conviction. Especially over the period of time that has elapsed in this situation. There are a lot of complications in presenting a date rape case, and in the end it comes down to one person’s word against another that the sex is not consensual. With rape from a stranger who assaults someone, the physical evidence alone is enough to get a case rolling, and the police would be most interested in knowing about such cases as serial sex offenders in the community can be more active than many of us suspect. A side issue that I found frightening was the number of convicted sex offenders are on the loose and living in the UI area where the coed recently disappeared. If any of them are actively practicing their previous crime, the police truly needs to know about it.

When you are accusing a colleague of date rape, it’s a whole other story. Unless the young man’s apology is specific enough to actual constitute a confession, to report it right now is truly opening a can of worms that can cause a lot more damage to your daughter. If she truly wanted to do this, it is one thing, but even those who want to pursue charges after physical evidence is gone, should be warned exactly what this is going to entail. There is no evidence that there was even,sex, much less rape, and if the young man’ has involved parents. they are going to fight such accusations tooth and nail and it comes down to evidence and who is more believable. IIt’s easy for those of us who are not going to have to go on the front line of this sort of battle to tell someone to file the charges. I’ve known of two women whose lives were truly shattered because they went through this gauntlet and both regret it deeply as do their parents.

Your daughter did not tell you about this right away because she chose not to do so, and that she has now done so means that she is picking what she tells you and when, and to barge in there and take charge of something she is managing herself is not what I would recommend you do. I do think she should get counseling, and I would offer this not for the rape; in fact, I would not mention the rape at all when broaching the subject. Just tell her that you would like her to have a counselor available to her to help her through the transition into adulthood, and because you cannot be there for her at college, you would feel ever so much better if she had some professional to discuss any and all issues.

Bluebayou, I know how you feel. I’m a mom, I have boys, but something like this makes my blood boil too. How about tempering the advice to going there and speaking privately with the deans about the issue and finding out what the schools does in such cases and what options they recommend your daughter take at this point, just as a information fishing visit. You can talk to the local police and ask about procedures too. Find out what the options are and what the probable and possible consequences are. If it indeed looks like this is something that your D should report, even at this late date even though she does not want to do so, you might want to have another talk with her on the subject if you are braced to go to war on this matter, because war it will be. The OP should absolutely not speak to the parents or the young man as it could start all kinds of trouble and may reduce your D’s options on what to do. You could lose your temper and say something that could just complicate matters, and the other thing, though very far fetched, your D may not be telling the truth or refuse to back you up when confronted with the situation. I’ve known several parents who have been sucker punched in a number of ways (not rape) when they believed in what their child said to them when it was not quite true and the parents jumped in the fray swinging.

Counseling for yourself is not a bad idea either if you can afford it. Check your insurance policy and see what mental health coverage you have. Might be the time to start using some of it. Look for some groups for rape victims and see if there is counseling appropriate for you.

The thing is, our children are adults and they have the right to make their own decisions on things whether you agree or not. Ultimately it is your daughter on the front line of this battle and there may be reasons why she did not report this that she is not sharing with you. With young adults, you are acting like a kamakazi pilot when you make these attacks and you may not even be on target. You really have to have more information.

I’m sorry for your D and you. Hugs.