Dealing with a nasty co-worker

Pennylane2011
Sat, 19 Oct 2013 09:10:54 +0000

Hi RVM. Sorry you are dealing with this. It seems these things happen in the workplace way too much, but the workplace is a social system, just like every other system where people tend to take on roles and achieve some sort of balance. Any time there is a system change, there can be a reaction in all of the players. So here is my 2 cents…
You are the change in the system, and the co-worker is reacting to this.
I may be generalizing, but this reminds me of the Karpman triangle, which is a dysfunctional way that people interract with each other. This co-worker sees herself as a victim- and that is her distorted view of things- it has nothing to do with you, but she seems to have set this up with you as her persecutor. I’d be willing to bet she does this in other situations too. It’s her problem though, and you may not be able to change her perspective: you are “persecuting” her with your e mails (even if she asked you for them, she’s not thinking rationally here), then she is CC ing the boss to come in and “rescue” her. The total message of the tiangle is that every player becomes a victim. ( she’s attacking you, the boss is put out).
If she is this type of person, dealing with her will be difficult, because she’ll see herself as a victim no matter what. I’d sort of lay low and observe her for a while, because this may be how she reacts to everyone. You can’t change this kind of thinking. Any kind of reaction to her is playing her game- either trying to smooth things out or ignoring her. I think you handled this well by not being a player, wishing her well even if she’s surly to you, and not letting it change the job you are doing. I think communicating by e mail is good since she may twist your worlds if you communicate with her verbally, and there is a record of it.

When her game does not work for her, perhaps she’ll find someone else to do this with.

My guess is that the boss is already on to her, and is not interested in her drama.