Don't send you daughters too far away to college.

carolyn
Thu, 04 Aug 2005 21:10:33 +0000

Backhand:

I don’t think you’re clingy - I think you have normal feelings.

But, here’s something that might help: As I mentioned, I moved 3500 miles away from my parents after I was married. My in-laws have always lived 35 MINUTES away from us.

Yet, when my kids reminise about childhood times with grandparents, it is NOT my in-laws they talk about: it is, instead, MY parents. Even more ironic is the fact that my father died when my youngest was just five and my mother died when my youngest was 9. My in-laws are still alive.

My in-laws were close by physically, but that didn’t mean they were involved in the hallmark card version of grandparenting. In fact, perhaps because they were close by, they really didn’t do much in terms of spending time alone with my kids when they were little. They never created the type of memories that my parents did, even though my parents usually only saw the kids once a year at most and sometimes not even that.

My parents always made their visits special - they crammed so much into their time with the kids. It wasn’t so much what they did when they and the kids were together, it was the way they spent time with the kids - they focused 100% of their attention on getting to know them, on listening, on making connections. And, when they weren’t here, they found amazing ways to connect with the kids — my dad taped himself reading childrens books and then would send the tape and the books to my kids, my mom was always writing little notes to the kids - when they were too young to read, she decorated those notes with pictures. My daughter still has her notes from her grandmother tucked away in her room and my son STILL talks from time to time about his Pop, who always gave him tootsie pops, even though he is now 15.

So, while it may be more ideal to be physically close, that type of proximity doesn’t always translate into more love, more affection, or more memories. I suspect you will be a wonderful, caring grandma - the type that your grandchildren will have many special memories of, even if you are not within driving distance.