Don't send you daughters too far away to college.

OrangeBlossom
Fri, 05 Aug 2005 08:31:40 +0000

BHG - I know that this is very painful for you. It’s difficult to experience someone you’ve loved and nutured, someone who has meant everything to you pull away like this. A long time ago, I read that when it comes time for children to separate from their parents (to individualize), the closer the relationship, the more traumatic the break up. This is because it requires much more to break stronger ties. I imagine that this to some degree or other is figuring into what’s happening. I believe that there will be a time, of indeterminate length, that during which you may not have much contact with your daughter. We feel the pain more because our kids have gone on to new and ever-changing lives that our fascinating, while we the parents are left with the same old life feeling the loss. Please, BHG, know that in time she will come around. She has not rejected you. She has just moved on to a new stage in her life. Also, it could be that she is even feeling some pain, but to individualize, she can’t give in to it and at this point resume the same closeness you both had before. The relationship is being redefined. Try not to fret. Be positive in your contacts with her. MIL is not the same a mom. You will both enjoy a wonderful relationship once again. In the mean time, try to occupy your time with activities you deferred while being a hands-on mom. Stay in contact with her, you both need that, but don’t feel slighted because of the current situation. Your daughter loves you, but right now just doesn’t know how to define the relationship, and, as I said, might be feeling some guilt and pain of her own that she is currently unable to deal with. Your place is the same as it always was; it’s she who is changing. It will get better. Believe me. I had to pull hard to break away from my parents, whom I love dearly. But the first few years away, and the first few years I was a mom, you’d never have known it. But I came back, once I had integrated the new me into my new roles. I too was closer to my MIL than my mom for a spell, because of proximity. Now, my high school senior son is pulling hard away from me. Painful? You bet, but as an adult I have some insight into this process, so while I’ll suffer inside missing the closeness we once shared (and we were VERY close), I’ll try to piece together my life again, stay positive for his sake and accept the changes he’s going through (because in many ways, his journey is as traumatic as mine). And, I know that someday he’ll come back too. Thanks for posting this morning BHG, I’ve been going through some hard times recently, and your poignant post pulled some understanding and optimism out of me. I’m grateful. Be of stout heart! OB