Essay- Edited. Can an informed reader who knows SAT essays possibly review it objectively

vmiller7723
Mon, 19 Jan 2015 00:38:41 +0000

I recently wrote an essay and posted it but it wasn’t finished because I ran out of time. In this version, I gave myself five extra minutes to go back and make any changes and add a conclusion paragraph. I want to know if these five extra minutes and time in general are strongly influencing how I will score. If someone could review I would greatly appreciate it.

Prompt: What motivates people to change themselves and other things?

SAT Essay
Prompt: What motivates people to change?
Change is necessary for innovation and improvement. However, many individuals today are more comfortable assuming the norms of their respective societies than taking the risk of being different and embracing their own originality. Few are willing to risk their reputations and their approval to think freely and spontaneously, but when they do major change can be effected. Thus change is derived from the intrinsic creativity of individuals, and only when it is embraced can people and things change. Ralph Waldo Emerson epitomizes this notion through an analogy in his esteemed essay “Self-Reliance.”

In this work, Emerson emphasizes the importance of the individual for inspiration and originality. He says that it is this originality that leads to influential change in society. He maintains, however, that the pressures to fit in a conforming society often suppress this originality. This idea is illustrated in a specific analogy where Emerson compares society to a joint-stock company. He describes, “Society is a joint stock company, in which the members agree, for the better securing of his bread to each shareholder, to surrender the liberty and culture of the eater.” This analogy concedes that, in society, one often has to suppress his thoughts to achieve a position of comfort and approval. The overwhelming fear of being different in a conforming society is not worth the risk for an individual who would rather live in a world of complacency and simply “earn his portion.” This flawed trade off of originality for approval in society hinders advancement and innovation because it is this originality that effects influential change. Only when an individual has the courage and conviction to stand out people and things change in a major way.

This notion of Emerson’s was visionary in that much of the great change even today was accomplished by people who were not afraid to think outside the box or be different. Steve Jobs, the former CEO of Apple Computers, embodies how not being afraid to speak out one’s own beliefs can lead to successful change. After building some of the first computers ever, Steve Jobs was ousted from his own company in part for being so spontaneous and unconventional. He did not give up, but rather embraced his own creativity and would eventually create influential products such as the IMac. Such faith in himself and his own ideas would eventually bring Jobs to be one of the leading engineers and inventors of the time, but also brought him to be hired back at Apple as the CEO. This notion epitomizes how showing faith in one’s own ideas can lead to great change.

In conclusion, motivation to change is derived from the originality and spontaneity of an individual. The potential of an individual to promote change is often hindered by pressures to conform, as Ralph Waldo Emerson exemplifies in his essay “Self-Reliance.” However, when those pressures are overcome and one fully embraces his own intrinsic creativity, the potential for success and change is limitless, as Steve Job epitomizes.