Essay Feedback please. (Grammar and content!!!)

kinnikinik
Sat, 13 Oct 2012 13:46:01 +0000

I agree, mostly just telling us, not showing us.

The following passage seems to have both the best and worst of the essay:
My life had lost all meaning. For the first time, I was irrelevant through my own eyes. My goal that day was not to please myself, or make myself a better person. My job was to make my friend’s day as happy and fun as possible. At the end of the day, when I had to wave goodbye to the kids, I felt something inside of me that I had never felt before. I felt content.

The first four sentences seem to contain some real meaning. I think there WAS a real revelation there, but you need to SHOW me… On ther other hand, the last two sentences are cliche. We’ve all seen that movie. That’s not to say that you didn’t have honest feelings there but, you need to SHOW it in a way that doesn’t sound like a John Hughes movie (all due respect to John Hughes).