Essay Feedback please. (Grammar and content!!!)

michaelm11
Fri, 12 Oct 2012 21:45:11 +0000

I have not brought it to my counselor and English teacher yet, so it is still in its early stage, but I would like some advice on it from my fellow peers. Thanks!

We strive every day to reach perfection, although we know it is not possible to be
“perfect”. Our goal is simply to better ourselves, focus on our lives, and do what is in our best interest. For most of my life, I was no different. I lived in the weight room and the classroom, trying to better myself in many different aspects. During my freshman year in high school, I had even asked my mom if I could join theater, despite not having any experience acting. I was so focused on these personal aspects that it took me until May of 2010 during my freshman year to realize there was one key component of my life still missing.

Every year, my high school attends the Faley Games in Fullerton. Mentally disabled kids from across the city come to these events, and we work with these kids either individually or at a booth. My job was to walk around with a kid and bring him to the various events. We played basketball, participated in a race, and ate some lunch. This was one of the first times I have done community service with mentally disabled kids. The community service projects I did prior to this were mainly through my middle school to get the required hours I needed to graduate eighth grade. I showed no compassion or affection to those I was working with. This time, however, I felt a real connection to the kid I was working with. My life had lost all meaning. For the first time, I was irrelevant through my own eyes. My goal that day was not to please myself, or make myself a better person. My job was to make my friend’s day as happy and fun as possible. At the end of the day, when I had to wave goodbye to the kids, I felt something inside of me that I had never felt before. I felt content.

I have attended the Faley Games two times since then, and am planning on going again this year as well. The feeling of helping others is better than any award on the sports field or A on a test in a difficult class. I have since learned that my goal on this planet is not to make myself the perfect human being. While I still strive for that, I know that this will not be accomplished by focusing on improving me on a personal level. Instead, I have to be there for those around me. Since the Faley Games, I have also joined various tutoring programs, such as the National Honors Society and the Corona Public Library. I also started to really participate in the Key Club, since prior to the Faley Games, I had only done one service project for them. I am so thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me, and I am forever grateful for the experience I had at the Faley Games.