Essay Feedback please. (Grammar and content!!!)

Dune01
Sat, 13 Oct 2012 02:14:46 +0000

"We strive every day to reach perfection, although we know it is not possible to be
“perfect”. Our goal is simply to better ourselves, focus on our lives, and do what is in our best interest. "

Be careful of using first person pronouns. You’re implicating the reader in your statements when you use them. It’s possible to pull this off, but it doesn’t work well here.

“This was one of the first times I have done community service with mentally disabled kids.”

Have should be had. Your verbs could certainly use some strengthening throughout. “Done” is rather boring and vague.

“My job was to walk around with a kid and bring him to the various events.”

Describe him. Don’t just call him “a kid”. Doesn’t show much of a connection if you don’t even bother to mention his name.

“My life had lost all meaning.”

A little too dramatic, to be honest. And it’s not really what you’re trying to say. Judging by the next three sentences, your life actually gained meaning. The next sentence is better, as it’s more specific, but it’s still too severe.

“At the end of the day, when I had to wave goodbye to the kids, I felt something inside of me that I had never felt before. I felt content.”

Again, far too dramatic. You had never felt content before? In your entire life? These lines come across as false and contrived.

Just some brief things I came across. Sorry if I came across as too harsh, but it’d be a far better essay if you addressed these things.