Essay for Northwestern

binx
Thu, 14 Oct 2004 07:24:13 +0000

Comments off the top of my head:
Mention your age (at the time) in the first paragraph. Give me a mental image of a young child, rather than the teen I was picturing. (Such as, "I looked forward to weekend breaks from first grade …)

I think your first couple paragraphs need better transitions. Seems to hop around too much. I find myself with each paragraph thinking, “What does this have to do with anything?”

In 3rd paragraph tell me more about how your trips were off the beaten path. You tell me Mrs. Suh suggested it, and at the end you mention “real Mexico” again, but don’t mention it in between. Mexico is a study in contrasts – lots of opportunity to paint me a picture here.

“greatest experience” – Why? You haven’t explained what was different.