essay from a native chinese girl

<p>i have to say,what i learned at high school here about how to write an ESSAY(actually i dont think it should be called so) sucks!
Comparing to high school kids in USA, our writing level on English parallels that of American kids of Grade 3,i guess.
i wrote several pieces of ESSAYS.i try to write in an american way.but i dont know whether it is good or bad.i need someone to view them and give me at least some advice.</p>

<p>anyone is willing to help?</p>

<p>yeah sure, i'll be happy to help you. just post up one of your writing samples =)</p>

<p>count me in</p>

<p>Count me in too!</p>

<p>thank you
following is a sample excerpt from my essay Friends</p>

<p>I was an odd in my classmates’ eyes.
I never touched those magazines on which cover shone the sparkling smile of celebrities. Nor I cared about what was fashionable, what was out of date. What I did focus on was my schoolwork. I might cry all night only because I did not get my expected score on a math paper. I was willing to spend my whole weekend searching for information in the city library only to prepare a well-organized speech. I never had a close friendship to any of my classmates but gained extraordinary praise from all my tutors and teachers. I enjoyed the feeling of being noticed. By my teachers. Of course. They are the ones who graded my papers, wrote me recommendations and talked to my parents face to face about my performance at school. Friend, a missing word in my life dictionary, was only a play for kindergarteners.</p>

<p>^^ your writing isn't bad although not flawless, but the tone and attitude seem very negative, IMO.</p>

<p>i'll take a look</p>

<p>jimmy,can i pm u ?
i will send u the whole piece</p>

<p>u should have read my whole passage before u said my attitude is Negetive!</p>


<p> was a good effort but i think you need some help with basic sentence structure. "I enjoyed the feeling of being noticed. By my teachers. Of course."
"by my teachers" and "of course" are NOT sentences ! </p>

<p>also, i'm having a hard time understanding your point. is it that you don't make friends or that you're a hard worker or what? you need to clearly specify.</p>

<p>ok that writing isn't bad, and its not necessarily negative. that's actually better than average.</p>

<p>its my first long essay in english so far!
it sums up to over 1000 words
my main point in this essay is about try to respect other ppl.and never judge a ppl by only one aspect.try to make friends,cause cooperation is important</p>

<p>another paragraphe:
Everyone was born to have his or her own right to decide what to like and dislike. It is personal issue to cheer for a rock star or have a new haircut like a punk, which I could criticize but not disrespect. I made such big a mistake that I emphasize my self-esteem but ignore others’. No sooner than I tasted the feeling of being ignored had I realized the importance of respect. Everyday on television, we could watch news about war between people of different color or religion. Disrespect and misunderstanding result in adequate unnecessary deaths and injuries. In fact, there are many other ways to solve social problems. Any of them is far better than gunshots. I suppose there is no country without its Foreign Affair Department. Then how could I cross out the word “ Friend” from my life? It is no doubt that genuine and talents make our world different; but more importantly, it is people who we meet and how we get along with that makes our life colorful.
I’ve changed a lot since then. To my surprise, I found it is not that hard to find something my friends and I are both interested in to talk about. Surely, I still hold my view on pop stars. Yeah, friends! I even have made a lot. If “friend” was a play for kindergarteners, I would like to be a kindergarten forever!</p>

<p>your topic is too vague. try to focus more on one particular event and elaborate that. you can't just randomly throw in a sentence, which is what you seem to do.</p>

<p>ok,forget about the content,the main idea
just look at the essay itself
how about it?
i really need to know whether my writing skill ,the fluency of my essay,the words i chose, seem ok?
Considering i was an american kid,what about it</p>

<p>I don't want to hurt you with honesty, but you asked "considering I was an American kid, what about it?" so I will obey your request. </p>

<p>As a native Chinese speaker, your writing skill is impressive.</p>

<p>But if you were an American kid, your writing would be unimpressive. </p>

<p>Here's what I think you need to work on:</p>

<p>Your grammar and spelling are good. I also like the way you structure your logic. But try to work on your style. Work on the flow of your sentences - pace, rhythm, etc. Make your prose nicer, not so short and choppy but more fluent and confident. </p>

<p>I recommend reading some well-written magazines and/or books, to get a feel for the real flow of the English language. Within 2 months, you can probably be writing like a native English speaker.</p>

<p>You're very close. Keep up the good work!</p>

<p>thank you very much for ur honesty!thats what i need!
about the style?i dont get it
i will follow ur advice,thx again</p>

<p>Let me be brutally frank. Your assay is poor in content and without focus. At the end, I learned nothing about you except that you seem to have taken up all the "virtues" expected of a "good chinese teenager". </p>

<p>Write about your real self and confine your assays on selected incidents in your life. Another poster remarked on your negativism. That is because you imply that ohters are unworthy. You don't have to bash others to stand out. In fact, that is about the worse that you can do.</p>

<p>You have a long way to go. Take the advice that you read more. Perhaps a few American teenager magazines.</p>

<p>For a native Chinese highschooler, you're doing really well~~ But yes, you do need to work on grammar and style. Also, if you were to write essays for American College admissions, they need to be more "you"~~ This is a little too impersonal, vague, and formal (gosh it definitely reminds me of all my middle school years in China, lol~~)</p>