Essay in response to SAT prompt

whatiscollegeok
Sat, 02 Sep 2006 23:44:57 +0000

Would you like others to score your essay…?

Since you’re posting it, I’m assuming yes :/

I would personally give your essay an 8 out of 12 (4+4=8). This would be your average score-it could be as low as a 7 or as high as a 9 (most likely).

You seem to have analyzed the topic very well. Your presentation of the idea that “we are limited in the choices we can make” is clear. Your examples tie in very well to the topic. However, there are a few problems with the essay as a whole.

Your essay relies on several generalizations to make certain points, which isn’t a bad thing really. However, your generalizations must be supported. Statements in an essay that lack support are defined as “weak” sentences. Consider these lines from the second paragraph:

“Throughout history theories have been formulated that stated that hard work alone is what distinguishes the rich from the poor. This theory has been proven wrong, and I disagree with it.”

Although the mention of theories about social classes ties into the topic, the above statement is far too general to be effective. You can fix this problem by quoting specific theories from either well known philosophers or works published in a book. The second sentence is more substantially lacking than the first. How exactly has this theory been proven wrong? Unless you possess concrete evidence to prove an idea wrong, it is not a good idea to make the declaration that a certain public opinion is “wrong”, especially if the idea has good reasoning behind it. Also note the redundency-you don’t need to say that you disagree with an incorrect theory. Define the theory first, and explain why it is wrong to demonstrate excellent critical thinking.

Another example of the same type of claim:

“Some people would criticize this statement by stating that these people had choices and were free to make their own choices.”

As a general rule of thumb, is it not a great idea to bring up the opposing point of view unless you can COMPLETELY refute it with concrete evidence and extended logic. Although you did work to refute the statement “people had choices and were free to make their own choices” you did not do so completely. Simply stating that you disagree and explaining that idea that life is unpredictable and one must deal with unknown circumstances does not completely address the opposistion. Mere generalizations are not very convincing.

To explain the situation completely, explain why these people do NOT have choices, and aren’t free to make them. Elaborate on the unpredictable and the unknown, how control of our circumstances exists, but is greatly limited by outside factors, therefore rendering our freedom to make our own choices invalid.

The use of generalizations is the reason why I scored your essay a 4. The length of your essay, organization, thesis statement, and reasoning are all worthy of at least a 5. On a side note, your sentence structure is fine-but could use more variation as well as your vocabulary.

This is quite a long post, but I hope it was helpful to you somehow.