Family compounds? Pros & cons?

Nrdsb4
Fri, 07 Jan 2022 18:02:58 +0000

Publisher:

Very close family relatives have had a three house family compound (one house for parents & one house for each child & their families) on the coast of Maine for over 25 years now. Used mostly during the summer months. Great for keeping family together in good times & bad. No negatives. The separate houses allow for both privacy & dependence.

I could live with a scenario like that. “Used mostly during the summer months,” each with their own separate house, etc…

Other described scenarios-not for me. I have known a few families who have several generations under one roof. My observation was that there was a lot of bickering or repressed anger going on. I realize that is not representative of all families, but I had enough of that growing up in a household of six kids and a parent with issues.

I could never have lived with my mother as an adult. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, but she came with a lot of unresolved baggage, so lots of yelling or other drama.

DH’s father is really narcissistic. He has no empathy, often behaves badly when he is around us (very manipulative), and is generally dismissive of others. He hadn’t lived in his retirement community two weeks before he declared that “all of them” were “total losers.” I feel bad for the exposure he actually had with our kids (they claim he traumatized them). No way would I have subjected them to a day in and day out scenario, and I’m not interested in doing so now either. DH is a dutiful son and does anything and everything required for his Dad, but after a long day with him, he comes home extremely stressed out and often angry. It takes him a good while to internally calm down. There is a long story behind all of that, but for purposes of this thread, that also explains why we will never live under the same roof.

Do we take care of our own? Absolutely. Do we suffer through get togethers? Yes, you do that for family. But I would never consent to living with my in-laws. I love having D2 close, but I wouldn’t want to live with her either. Young families starting out need privacy and home should be a sanctuary, without always having to consider the presence of others, put up with unsolicited advice, etc. I’m so close geographically to her that seeing future grandkids won’t be an issue, but I think we all will appreciate the opportunity to part ways at the end of a day and have privacy, and allow my D and her husband to nurture their own family in their own way.

I totally get this arrangement works well for many, and it’s certainly possible for families who do not live together to have a toxic relationship or negatively impact family when they do get together. Culture, personal philosophy, and finances impact these kinds of living arrangements. There is no right way or better way to do this as a general statement.

I just could never be happy with that kind of living arrangement, and I’m very grateful that I have had the option to make the choice that works best for our family.

Interesting thread.