Father-daughter relationship

SBmom
Thu, 29 Dec 2005 15:43:44 +0000

slugg, my D recently got a load of herself in some old photos from about 9th grade and said-- “MOM! I look terrible! I can’t believe I wore so much makeup!” They come around eventually.

MOMS! Best antidote for girls’ trampy clothes: Wear them yourselves (rather, pretend you are going to). One time I put on some ultra low jeans and a midriff baring top-- yep, all that post-babies midriff-- and threatened to wear them to some public event. She got the message and changed.

I propose one more JR High & HS rule:

Try to UNDERREACT to everything that is told you. Unless someone is physically endangered, do not intervene when told stories about friends. DO use these stories that are brought home as teachable moments but do not melt down, forbid the friendship, etc.

You cannot believe how much cultural info I got about the Jr High and HS because I would listen, offer perspective, offer empathy towards the kids involved, and never go postal. For example, she’d tell me about who was doing what to whom sexually, or who had tried what substance, and instead of going with the “I am horrified! Drop that friend immediately!” attitude, I went with the “Wow, isn’t that sad, that she feels like that is expected? That is really risky, because…” attitude. My D was usally more judgemental about these friends than I would allow myself to be. My main goal was making sure that she’d never fear to tell me something about a friend or about herself and that she’d know I could handle the non-prefection of her peers (and by extrapolation-- her) when she told me the truth.

We have very good communication; I know she would be able to bring very traumatic or embarrasing problems to me if she ever has them.

In fact when she was about 16 she was interviewed by a reporter, about teens and sexuality, while standing in a large group of kids outside her HS one afternoon. After the interview, the reporter asked if any of the kids’ moms could also be called for their views. Evidently she was the only kid who volunteered to give her mom’s phone number. The reporter who called me was really impressed by that.