Feeling dejected, venting some frustration off.

kinetix64
Thu, 21 Apr 2011 01:35:54 +0000

To whoever is reading this: sorry if it is too long.
I worked my A** off during high school just so I could get to a top three UC, especially UC Berkeley for EECS (which probably killed my chances right there). I’ve endured so much stress during my time in India (because of board exams and the fact that I had to learn two languages at par with native students), and then, when I move to the U.S. my junior year, my dumbf**k school tells me I can’t take honors classes because they have no record of me in their system, even when I showed them my grades from India, which is ridiculous. I pleaded and went to the office almost every week (some exaggeration here), just so I could hopefully convince them to give me those classes. They told me that I could transfer if I did well in my (then) current courses. I tried so hard to do well in my regular classes to show them that I was capable of higher level work. And then, at the end of the semester, they tell me that they don’t allow that since the honors classes have gone too far ahead for me to catch up. I had only 1 AP class that year, since the classes I wanted were all “Honors” designated. This most probably hurt my app. And then, they give me good classes senior year, when it doesn’t even matter.

I invested so much time and energy into my essays and gave it my all. I tried so hard on my SATs just so that the good scores could somehow mitigate my weak weighted GPA. I tried so hard in school, tried to give it my all in everything I did, even petty homework assignments. And then, I find that I got rejected from UCLA, UCB, UCSD, and hell, even goddamn UCI. Meanwhile, I have become this pompous witness to the fact that relatively dumber kids at my school who slacked off 24/7 got into those very schools. Everyday, I have to see one of my friends wear Cal apparel right in front of me (she’s smart though) and it stings so, so much; it burns in my eyes every time I even see her. I know, I know, jealousy is a bad thing, but I just can’t help it, no matter how hard I try.

The thing is, I actually LIKE to learn. For example, I’m self studying Calc BC and Physics C, just because it is so much more interesting than the AP Calc AB and Physics B classes I’m taking right now. I always strived to understand concepts and study more advanced things just for the excitement of learning something more advanced.

I suppose I’ll be attending UCD/UCSB (still deciding) in the fall. They weren’t my top choices, but at least they’re decent schools. I wish I could’ve gotten into UCB though, mainly because my parents would be really, really proud of me and have bragging rights whenever they talk to relatives of friends or whatever. I mean, they’re still proud of me right now, but the disappointment was palpable when they read the rejection email. Also, I believe I could have been more academically challenged at UCB. I wish I could’ve got in so that all of my efforts and their efforts would’ve meant something big.

At the end of this, I’ve learned one thing: trying hard does not get you anywhere. In every aspect of my entire life, I’ve been pushed to the wayside to make place for people who don’t try at all and just get handed what I worked so hard for and so long for. Always, I’ve had to become second in line; I come

this

close to success, but I fall flat on my face. No matter how much I push myself, no matter how much blood and tears I shed, I just can’t achieve anything worthwhile. After this, I’ve pretty much stopped trying, and I’d have to say it feels goddamn good. Since nothing I do ever bears fruit, might as well enjoy myself and slack the fk off instead of working. It’s going pretty well for me. Like it matters now anyways.
I doubt I’ll transfer to UCB when I’m in college. Hell, I don’t even feel like going to UCB even for grad school. I’d rather not fall and snivel at the feet of a school that clearly doesn’t want me. Besides, it’s just a school, who gives a st.

I guess this is just a snippet of the rejections that I’ll have to face in real life. That’s why I’ve stopped caring - I might as well spare myself the future stress. I’ll still keep going on, trying to do my best, but I won’t have as much heart as I used to.

We’ll see what happens in the future. Apologies for some of the bad words.