Grade my essay pls

Publisher
Mon, 24 Aug 2020 15:12:20 +0000

I cannot grade your essay, but I can offer a few suggestions.

Overall, I find your writing to be a bit confusing. Try to create a more clear and concise presentation.

First: Rethink using the word “relaxing” in the first sentence of your essay. Consider using “reducing” instead of “relaxing”.

Second: Your introductory paragraph fails to share why Schiffman thinks that Americans should work fewer hours. You attempt to do so, but your attempt is unclear.

Third: The first sentence of your second paragraph is weak because it is not concise. Consider:

Schiffman illustrates the problems caused by working long hours through the use of two brief anecdotes.

Fourth: In your third paragraph, the fourth sentence confuses the reader. This is due to your lack of understanding what Schiffman deems to be the “crisis”.

Schiffman identifies the “crisis” as an unsustainable drive for increasing corporate growth and profits at the expense of the long term health (stability) of the economy and of the long term health of workers.

Fifth: The fifth sentence of the third paragraph is meaningless.

Sixth: Your concluding paragraph needs to be more firm in its statement of Schiffman’s position. To do so, simply substitute the word “reduced” for “lenient”.

Consider:

In conclusion, by the use of anecdotes, facts, and empirical evidence, Schiffman argues that reduced work hours will result in long-term benefits for the planet, the health of workers, and for the stability and sustainability of the economy.

These edits try to retain as much of your words and phrases as possible in an effort to make your writing more clear. This is just the first round of edits. You need to incorporate them into your current work, then revise that work product.

I did not address all issues in need of editing. I just want to point you in the right direction in an effort to create a more clear and more concise writing.