Grade My Essay

Lipp7260
Wed, 17 Jul 2013 12:36:16 +0000

From a cursory reading, here are my thoughts.

This essay is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas.

You use and have decent, but not meaningful, sentence variation.

You have some grammatical and spelling errors.

You develop your point on the topic, claiming “the best things come from challenging the status quo.” But your claim is weakened in your conclusion: “Authority should be respected and rules should be followed.” I would be hesitant to have an concessional statement in the conclusion ( or anywhere in the SAT essay) because it generally, not always, leads to a weaker argument.

As for your examples, I think you need to do one of two things. Either further develop your current examples by providing more context or analysis or add another example to further support your claim. Personally, I prefer to have two well developed examples - but that’s just preference.

Additionally, you need to strengthen your thesis. While I get the general gist of your thesis, making it more clear would benefit your entire essay. It would also be beneficial to introduce your subtopics. For example, why not turn this:

"The government, law enforcement, teachers and parents are main sources of authority. They lay concrete laws, enforce them with punishment, guide us, and in general they are suppose to have our back. However, it doesn’t always work out that way. We have seen our fair share of corrupt governments, police brutality, and ongoing cycles of oppression. We are taught to respect authority, but some of the best things come from challenging the status quo. "

into

Because government officials, law enforcement officers, teachers and parents are the main sources of authority, enforcing regulations with an iron fist, it may seem as though complete acceptance to these regulations is necessary. But is it? (now your thesis) Strict adherence to rules is often unnecessary, and perhaps even detrimental to the advancement of society because, as the Renaissance Age and American Revolution both prove, some of our greatest accomplishments stem from challenging the status quo.

…
Let me break down the thesis, so you may clearly see the formula.

“Strict adherence to rules is often unnecessary, and perhaps even detrimental to the advancement of society” ** this is your argument. You need to be nearly 100% consistent in the proving of this statement.

“because, as the Renaissance Age and American Revolution both prove,” this introduces your examples. You should, if possible, always try to introduce your examples in your thesis. or at least your introduction (hence the name introduction eh?).

“some of our greatest accomplishments stem from challenging the status quo.” This is the why portion of your thesis. Through your examples, you will need to prove this statement true. And by proving this statement true, you ultimately prove your argument “Strict adherence to rules is often unnecessary.”

Finally comes the grade. I would probably give this essay an 8.