Grade my essay?

polar926
Fri, 04 Jul 2014 00:44:00 +0000

Hi all - I’ve taken the ACT twice and the SAT twice and I keep getting 9s or 10s on my essays. I’m really aiming for 12s for both tests. I would mean so much to me if you would read my essay (below) and tell me what grade you would give me and how I could improve… Please be as HARSH as you can-- I’m really determined to improve my essay writing skills. I follow a specific pattern each time I wrote an essay: 1)Intro 2)Point 1 3)Point 2 4) Personal Point 5) Refutation 6) Conclusion
For my past ACT essays, my comments were:
Score: 10
“Your essay showed recognition of the complexity of the issue by partially evaluating its implications. General statements in your essay were well supported with specific reasons, examples, and details.”

AND

Score: 9
“Your essay showed recognition of the complexity of the issue by partially evaluating its implications. Your essay was well organized, making it easy to understand logical relationships among ideas. Some varied sentence structures and precise word choice added clarity and interest to your writing.”

PROMPT (ACT):
Fast-food franchises are installing outlets in some high schools, selling hamburgers, fried chicken, tacos, fries, and sodas. Many soda companies already pay a great deal of money to be allowed to install soda machines in high schools. The money from these commercial ventures helps pay for athletic equipment, field trips, and audio-visual equipment. On the other hand, fast food is greatly contributing to the epidemic of obesity among America’s youth. Placing fast-food outlets in schools encourages students to eat food that is high in salt, fat, and empty calories. In your opinion, should fast-food franchises be allowed in high schools?

ESSAY:
The fast-food industry has long been controversial. Recently, some schools have installed vending machines or outlets that cater this food to students. Some people are proponents of this, since allowing these outlets to advertise is financially beneficial. Giving this access to students in high school, however, should not allowed, as doing so can adversely affect a student’s health as well as how he or she performs in school.
It may be fine to eat unhealthy food once in a while, but having it too often can negatively impact one’s health. Obesity is already a huge problem in the United States, with nearly one in five children classified as overweight. If schools allow enterprises to sell their food products on campus, students will have access to more junk food and thus gain weight. This food is usually inexpensive and addictive, so students will likely buy it and over time, suffer from its detrimental effects. Junk food typically contains many calories and high amounts of saturated fat and sugar, which all lead to unhealthy weight gain and sometimes, diseases. A bag of onion rings will contain many more calories than a granola bar brought from home. Another possible effect, in extreme cases, of too much junk food is diabetes, which can be triggered when someone consumes too much food with high sugar contents. It is also notable that permitting access to these franchises can influence nutrition outside of school. If administrators allow companies to sell their unhealthy food in a school, a student may feel that it is acceptable to eat that type of food at home. Again, this will augment the percentage of obesity and other diseases in America.
Although health is usually the most concerning outcome of instituting such an idea, there are other problems. Products sold by fast-food franchises can affect how a student performs academically. If a student pulls out a taco in the middle of physics, he or she will probably become distracted and may even distract other peers. Thus those people will not be fully focused on their teacher’s lecture and may not understand a topic. Although this may occur with snack foods from home such as pretzels or crackers, it would not be to the extent of the distraction in the case of junk food, since junk food is usually more desirable and redolent. Moreover, fast food, particularly those high in sugar, damages how effectively one thinks. When a student tries to solve a challenging problem while his or her blood sugar level is raised, levels of cortisol become high in the body. This hormone impairs memory, thus impeding the student’s ability to function well intellectually.
My school allows minimal fast food services to its students. Without a burrito or cappuccino machine around every corner, I feel less tempted to squander my money on food that will only harm my health or distract me during class. Still, my school has installed vending machines for student use. I do understand that some students miss breakfast or lunch and feel the need to buy something from these vending machines, but I do notice that I become distracted when they are eating in front of me. I may pay attention to the sight of a chip bag if I’m hungry or I may even not be able to hear a lecture clearly due to loud “munching.” I feel that if my school were to increase the number of vendors in the halls, I would be even more distracted and may myself partake in such unhealthy habits.
Of course, there are some people who see placing more food-franchise outlets in a school environment as beneficial. These proponents argue that companies pay to sell their products in schools, creating an additional source of revenue for construction projects or classroom supplies. Regardless, doing so would be at the expense of a student’s health and performance in school. Health and education are much more important than money, and a school should not sacrifice the well-being of its students for a slightly bigger income.
The debate over whether schools should allow external vendors to sell food on campus will probably continue for many years. Still, it is important to recognize that installing these outlets would harm one’s health and academic success. Even in my school, where there are only a few of these outlets, I notice these effects. The small benefit of a larger school income is not worth sacrificing the health and success of students - things that schools strive for. Perhaps one day, fast-food franchises will be limited to outside of schools and people will learn to not overindulge in their products.

THANKS SO MUCH!