Grade My SAT Essay (1-6)

Yamster
Sun, 18 Apr 2010 12:11:12 +0000

The sample essay from college board used these examples:

Consider, if you will, ancient Greecian Society. With hardly any of the technological or scientific advancements we have today, they were able to produce some of the greatest thinkers of all time. Socrates and Plato still influence modern philosophical thought. In addition, these men were well versed in all disciplines. They were thinkers, mathamaticians, writers, scientists, artists and much more. Examine some other great men in history. Leonardo Davinci was one of the greatest scientists and also one of the greatest artists of all time, he even invented and drew up early plans for the helicopter. These ancient men, without the technology and ease of life we have today, were able to produce some of the most prolific additions to human knowledge ever.

Now let us examine some men from our time. Bill Gates, while adding immensely to the pleasures and ease of man’s life, did so only by forcefully destroying many fledgling companies and completely undermining our capitalistic market place. Very very few men in our time are leaders in more than one discipline. There are no scientists/artists or writer/mathamaticians. Men, while being able to more deeply delve into a discipline, are now restricted to it. I attribute this to technology. We now have a life outside of our work. A life with computers, cars, movies, and dinner with the family from across the country. Mankind can no longer devote himself to his work. He has his work life, and his home life. While a cell phone allows me to talk to anyone from anywhere, it prevents me from being alone and fully concentrating. While the internet allows me to look at websites from around the world, it prevents me from doing the work I set out to do.

What makes my argument shallow…?