Grade SAT Essay [yet again]?

jaimeastorga2000
Sun, 20 Apr 2008 03:10:31 +0000

“Changes are made to something usually to improve its current condition.”

Awkward syntax, although it may be technically correct. “Changes are usually made to improve something’s current condition” sounds like an improvement.

“Hence, life becomes better when it is not monotonous.”

“Hence” implies what you have said in your previous sentence leads up to this one, yet I can see no direct logical line of thought.

“Although some might say that too many advancements can inhibit human capabilities this is not true because easing some stress only gives more thinking room for humans, which consequently makes life improved (either emotionally or in a more physical way).”

At the very least, a comma is needed between “capabilities” and “this.” The sentence is incomplete. Also, “some stress” sounds immature; “stress” is better, and “daily stress” is even better. “Gives more thinking room for humans” is better put as “gives humans more thinking room.” “Makes life improved” sounds awkward and is probably grammatically wrong; replace it with “improves life.” Although I can see you were trying to avoid monotony by giving both instances in parenthesis different structures, “in a more physical way” seems out of place compared to the rest of the construction. “Physically” would have been better.

Except for my mention of “hence,” these are all problems with structure and grammar as opposed to problems with the message conveyed in your piece. However, your essay also suffers in that department and has an illogical flow. Your thesis (which I assume to be the last sentence of your introduction, as per convention) states that advancements reduce stress and thus leaves more time for thinking ways to improve life. This thesis is inadequately supported in your paragraph; one of them is about how the end of slavery was a change which bettered former slaves’ lives and the other one about how the assembly line brought about economic prosperity. Exactly what does either of these have to do with your thesis? Granted, these paragraphs dealt with the prompt in a more intimate manner, but much like teasing girls, they keep their distance after flirting for a while. You are giving examples of changes that made lives easier and better, yet do not state so nor elaborate on either of these changes (except for depicting the better life that could now be led by blacks in the South).

The last paragraph shows some promise, but needs severe polishing. Firstly, the sentence is a run-on that would be better if it were to be split. The second part is confusing; it states that living in the past/present has no meaning if the future doesn’t novel experiences. Living in the present usually means not caring about what the future is going to bring. Isn’t this incompatible with your idea of a person leading such a life needing an exciting future to make it worth it?

Although I have not pointed out mechanical errors in the body of your essay, rest assured they exist and are similar in nature to those found in your introductory and concluding paragraphs, both of which I have examined in more detail.

Overall, I beg to differ with laserbase and declare that no reader worth his/her salt would award this essay a 10-12, if only because of the number of errors in syntax contained. If you only care about getting a higher score and not about writing better essays, however, the easiest way to do so is to make your essays longer and to liberally sprinkle them with hard vocabulary words. If you do want to write better essays, read the above advice and take it into consideration.