Help a frazzled parent

shoot4moon
Sun, 07 Nov 2010 15:54:24 +0000

I have a DD like this too, and I have some suggestions.

1. Consider evaluating her for ADHD. It is my STRONG opinion that this diagnosis in smart kids is underused - they can do their work in class with one hand tied behind their back, so they don’t get identified. In my daughter’s case, we had her on meds for about 10 years while she developed neurologically and in compensatory skills. She eventually improved, but it is a slow process, and needs a great deal of patience on your part.

2. I was much better able to handle my own emotions, and my DD was more motivated, when I began chargiing her for “hassle time” to assist her with lost or forgotten items. If she calls me from school, and says Mom I forgot my English paper, can you please drop it off, I announce a hassle factor based on my own commitments. One day, she would owe me my time times five (if I was busy) another day times 10 (if I was swamped). This strategy meant that there was an immediate cost to her behavior (10 minutes drive time times 5 = two nights of my relaxing while SHE made dinner). She learned to both consider the importance of the item and do a better job of not forgetting things. And I learned yelling, once again, is not effective.

At one point, we reached a scream breakage point because I am the one in our family that is supervising academics and her forgetfullness was making her grades drop. I realized that we were losing our relationship, and we elected to hire an academic coach. It was not cheap, but how much is a peaceful house worth? Furthermore, it helped me remember that school performance is important, but establishing good moral character, a kind and thoughtful approach to decisions, and developing into a godly woman was infinitely more so. How could I work on those life skills if she wasn’t speaking to me? Carefully consider the cost of your frustration, and figure out what to do to be more effective.