Help on an deffered essay

interesteddad
Mon, 13 Dec 2004 21:25:52 +0000

In my opinion, your essay is too detached. It holds the reader at a distance, covering a tremendous amount of sweeping ground in fairly shallow generalizations. I could have written your essay about coming to America, dreams of the New World, etc. and I’ve never done any of that.

I believe that successful college essays are those that expose YOUR personality to the adcoms, ideally something positive about your personality that would lead them to believe you would be a positive contributor to campus life. I think the easiest way to do this is to take one small experience in your life and paint a picture. For example, an essay about your struggle to let go of cricket habits and relearn baseball habits could be a wonderful metaphor for “coming to America” that could show us something about you.

“There is still the ultimate goal to achieve – the day when I fulfill my dream and become a doctor.” This is an example of a sentence that tells us nothing about you, except that you are like the 98 billion other kids who have applied to an Ivy League college to get into a good med school.

“My mind comprised of mixed emotions, but I was thoroughly ecstatic to experience my future endeavors.” Of all the emotions that must have been racing around in your mind the day you stepped off the plane, does “future endeavors” really communicate your thoughts or feelings. This is the kind of emotional detachment that I think hurts so many college essays.

I hope this constructive criticism helps. Find a narrow topic, drawn from a life experience, that sells something positive about you. Then, sell us by drawing us into a little slice of your life, experience, or personality.