Help with 20 yr old dropout

momof2inca
Sun, 15 Jun 2008 12:41:50 +0000

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It must be incredibly hard for you. I’m not sure what counsel I can give, but it seems to me that your daughter is one who must learn the hard way that choices have consequences. She is 20, which means she is an adult, but her brain isn’t finished growing yet (pre-frontal cortex, which helps people plan ahead and anticipate outcomes and avoid risk, doesn’t finish maturing until the mid-20s). It seems like she needs help with connecting her behaviors to their negative outcomes (i.e. not going to class or work leads to failing or being fired). She might also not understand where the bottom line is in your home. In other words, will you be asking her to help pay rent and expenses while she lives at home; what happens if she doesn’t? Will you be paying her debts off; what happens if you don’t?

It seems like she needs to talk to a counselor, some neutral third-party who can help her see her situation, her past choices and her future options. As a mom, I know that I would probably be far too upset with her to have that kind of discussion, or at least to have it be productive.