Help with my essay?

Wood5440
Sun, 10 Jun 2012 00:30:28 +0000

Who is your audience? Actually the audience is college-educated and experienced English teachers. They are familiar with the fable of the tortoise and the hare. They don’t need to have it explained to them in minute detail. If you wish to make detailed points, make them and move on without retelling the entire fable.

xthrillakillax is right about cutting lots of unnecessary explanation and repetition. You would have done better to deal with the other examples you just mentioned.

Try to find a composition text and read about “coherence”. That should help you to learn about and practice transitions and making ideas flow smoothly, which is what ‘coherence’ means, more or less.

Finally, remember that the best writing has something to say and says it in words and sentences that are clear, direct and economical. Your final paragraph is a perfect example of writing that strains to impress rather than to communicate. Redundancies like “dream, crave and strive for goals” and “progress forward”, tortured sentence constructions, and just off-target vocabulary don’t impress nearly as much as a new idea expressed efficiently.

(Those who dream, crave, and strive for their goals regardless of their dearth (?) in a “chance” (?) will progress forward, while those with talent but no aspirations stay suspended in the same situation for eternity.) How about, “Those who work to achieve their dreams move forward, while those who have talent but lack motivation do not.”