How Can I Improve My Essays?

python38
Sun, 19 Apr 2009 05:07:41 +0000

Hi,

I did a test paper yesterday and, as usual, the essay proved the toughest part for me. I really want to get a 12 on the test paper, so how can I improve?

Prompt:

“To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.”

Assignment:

“What motivates people to change?”

Essay:

"The motivation to change can just as often come from the outside as from the inside. Sometimes, personal hopes and dreams are not enough to compel us to alter what we are. Sometimes, just wanting to change is not enough. Sometimes, our circumstances and the people around us will force us to adjust in order to cope better.

For example, in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Gollum was once a peaceful character. By chance, he and his friend Deagol happen upon the One Ring, which tempts Gollum into killing his friend. Afterwards, the rest of Gollum’s tribe shun him, which leads to him turning evil and bitter. If Gollum and his friend hadn’t accidentally found the Ring, he would never have devolved.

In Harry Potter, the character Snape is a traitor who reveals the hidden location of his childhood friend Lily, and her husband and son, to their enemy Lord Voldemort, hoping that Voldemort will spare Lily. However, when Snape realizes that Voldemort intends to kill them all, he immediately repents, begins to help Dumbledore, Voldemort’s enemy, and does his best to keep Lily and her family safe. If Voldemort hadn’t decided to kill Lily as well as her husband and son, Snape wouldn’t have changed for the better; he ends up being loyal to Dumbledore till he is slain by Voldemort.

In short, we can often only change when the world around us requires that we do so; sometimes, we change not directly due to our own actions, but the whims and decisions of others. We can even change due to chance events. But we do not always change only due to our own thoughts and actions. No man is an island."

How can I improve on this? :)