How far is too far?

Mussels
Mon, 04 Nov 2013 12:38:56 +0000

Hi freshlook,
My DS felt that his middle school experience was the equivalent of having died and gone to heaven. It was academically rigorous, attracted kids that loved learning for its own sake, achieved tremendous results (national champion mathematicians, etc.) but wasn’t aggressive or competitive, had a positive peer culture, a place where you could take social risks, like reading your own poem on stage or trying lacrosse for the first time, without fearing the social consequences of bombing. That colored his BS search. What high school, he figured, would be able to mirror all that? It was high school after all.

As I alluded, we live in an area where pretty much everywhere you turn, you trip over a great private school option. The choice can be overwhelming.

To avoid that, we asked him to focus on the top 3 or so criteria that would create the “high school of his dreams.” His answers were: an intellectually stimulating environment that attracted kids who were into that; a warm, authentic community, a place that was sincere, and kind; and a place where kids could bust out in all the best ways and where even he, a self-defined “nerd” could expand that moniker to become a half dozen other things as well.

Beyond that he didn’t much care if the school was day or boarding, near or far. He figured that it would be sufficiently rare to find these qualities individually much less altogether, that in light of that other considerations such as distance from home didn’t really matter. He’d go to where “there” was.

Anyway, not to make this a 1,000 word post, but those criteria were enormously helpful in guiding our search. We looked at 10 schools in all, both HADES and gem and day schools. But Thacher was his first choice from the beginning and remained so throughout, despite our touring some pretty phenomenal schools.

By reading Thacher materials cover-to-cover, poring through the website, reviews, finding CC and the Hidden Gems thread, (amen to ThacherParent and Mountainhiker!), talking to experienced folks in our own community, meeting the admissions rep, and essentially doing as much due diligence as we could find/think of, DS had a pretty solid sense of the school before we visited.

And we only agreed to visit after he had toured every other school, met with an admissions rep in our area two times, and matched up his criteria against it. Our budget is tight, so we couldn’t justify a “field trip” per se. He understood that.

His worry on the flight out for his tour and interview was that the reality wouldn’t match his expectations, since that’s most often what happens, right? So, he was enormously relieved to find the visit knocked it out of the park. He wanted it to work, but didn’t want to force it or delude himself if it just wasn’t going to be the place. Gotta love that about our kid. He’s real. But Thacher ticked his boxes and then some. Although not a sporty kid per se, he is an outdoorsman, loves hiking and kayaking… loves science, esp the life sciences so the integration of the natural environment into school’s philosophy and programming really spoke to him.

When we arrived at our hotel the night before the tour, it was about 3am East Coast time and my eyeballs were rolling to the back of my head. During our flight, our drive up, etc I kept reminding him. This is what it would be like. It takes this long to get there. It’s dark. Home is a transcontinental flight away. We’re heading to bed when you’re eating dinner more or less. This is a BIG commitment. What do you think? Can you really imagine that? But each time, he said, he really could. It would be okay. And that has proven to the be the case so far. Hasn’t really felt homesick. He actually felt bad admitting that in case our feelings would be hurt :-)

But, he’s an independent kid, and has frequently jumped into other immersive experiences, and has a yen for that kind of adventure.

At Family Weekend last week (which was amazing BTW), I grilled him. “Okay, so what are the top three highlights so far?” Straight away he said, “The community. It really is as they say. The kids, not just the freshmen but all the grades, the teachers, they’re all genuinely nice and welcoming; the faculty is amazing; and Ojai itself - it’s just beautiful waking up everyday with this around you, he said, sweeping his arm over to where the mountains flanked the landscape.” “What are the lowlights,” I then asked? “It’s hot.” (This is a kiddo who barely wears a jacket in winter.)

So, very long answer short, he had a pretty good sense of what he was getting into before he set foot on campus, although only two months in, he feels the experience really has lived up to its billing. Distance, though vast geographically, pales for him compared to finding a good, right spot.

Far away the greater adjustment, not surprisingly I suppose, has been for my husband and myself… with elementary and middle school you just know so much more, even if you’re not mother henning. It’s the nature of it. And it’s the nature of high school for there to be less transparency. Kids are more independent and expected to do their own advocacy, a fact true of both day and BS options.

We’re not pollyannaish though. It’s early days yet. My guy is one of those kids that takes it slow, transitions gradually. He likes the school, is very happy there, feels it is and will be the right school for him. But he says it’s just too early to say he loves it. You know? Will need to get a few more laps under him, get his friend group gelled, all that kind of thing first. Again, keeping it real for us.

I have probably over-answered your question… and am sorry for the length. But, feel free to PM me with any more. Happy to help.