How long do you give it? ...

foolishpleasure
Thu, 02 Oct 2008 12:15:29 +0000

I am so sorry your D is having such a difficult time at school.

My younger D (now a hs junior) had a similar experience her freshman year of hs - - rigorous course-load, difficulty finding her set of friends. For my D, the solution was to transfer. We looked for a slightly less rigorous school and found program that was not only the right fit academically, but a great match socially. Lightening the work load and freeing up time for socializing made a HUGE difference. The transfer school, though smaller, had many more kindred spirits for D - - perhaps because more of them were also her ability peers.

DH and I very much regret not having considered the transfer alternative earlier. Throughout D’s entire first year we thought is was just a matter of settling in, that she just needed more time than most for the transition and, of course, from time to time things seemed to improve. The improvements, however, were modest and never long-lasting.

Our experience leads me to advise that your family go with its collective gut, but not to be “fooled,” as we were, by a slight improvement in the situation. The transition from hs to college may be bumpy, but it does not turn a confident, vivacious, out-going kid into a wall-flower who is the butt of mean kids’ jokes. As curiouser said, sometimes the fit just isn’t there.

I had been wondering about the black affinity groups. My older D (a soph at a top LAC) won’t join; she just doesn’t see herself has having much in common with the students who form the majority of the black group. I think she’s not giving them a fair shake (she wants to be treated as an indiv, not just a fungible black student, yet that’s how she’s treating them b/c of membership in the affinity group), but it’s her choice.

Good luck, we’re all pulling for you and your D.