How to Bite your Tongue

FLAmama
Wed, 06 Oct 2010 13:57:49 +0000

caymandriver07: It seems to me that you know exactly what you have to do; hold your tongue! You have to be so careful what you say as it can be so easily misconstrued.

We had a similar situation with my son in a 2 year+ relationship which had developed into a somewhat bizarre and inappropriate way where his ideas, thoughts, actions seemed to come from the girlfriend and her very manipulative family. I can tell you that I stuck my foot in my mouth more than once and learned the hard way that I cannot change or control the way the way my son feels or his actions. We also went through a period when he did not confide in us because he feared our disapproval. I learned (the hard way) that I have to keep my mouth shut and be a sounding board, as opposed to a constant critic. When he tells me something that I find caustic I take a deep breath and either repeat what he just said or just let the comment sit so we can both digest it. Or else I ask a question like “how do you feel/think about that?” Not easy if for a big mouth such as myself, but it worked better for me than just blurting out my frustrations. The fact is, sometimes they have to experience the dysfunction and consequences of their choices before they choose to change them, or not.

Thankfully, he has recently come to his senses with regard to the relationship and has decided to move on. (Phew!) But that did not happen until we totally backed off and crazy as it may sound for a mom, stopped caring so much about his relationships. After all, it is his life.

Do not despair. Take a deep breath. Try not to react (bite your tongue!) Hold her up to the standard of being responsible and accountable for her actions and she will, eventually, I hope. Good luck.