How to handle coach/recruiting situation as a parent

monofrunner
Thu, 12 Dec 2013 02:41:38 +0000

Having buyer’s remorse, so to speak, even though it is not a “done deal” just yet. DD turned down the full academic/athletic ride at the decent school nearest our home (which is a good school, but not of the academic caliber of the other two), and that seems like it was a good decision overall. She has decided to accept position (details are not finalized yet) at the middle school (elite-but-non-ivy, as I have referred to it b/c I don’t want to name it for the sake of anonymity–and it is NOT Stanford or MIT). It is ranked in top 20 in the country, but does not have that amazing name recognition of the top Ivy (yes, it is HYP, one of those 3) that offered her a spot. However, this school offered full tuition/books/fees for 4 years, which is pretty amazing (it is the same school where the coach had not been forthcoming; I did contact him and he gave an excellent 4 year athletic package, covered even if she becomes injured. We are spared having to fill out FAFSA, CSS, etc., for the 4 years. If she performs well, even room/board will be covered in subsequent years. This school is EXCELLENT for her major, plus it is within driving distance or a short flight.

Background: She visited all three schools for 48 hours each, and this is the one where she felt most comfortable. The school has a strong emphasis on supporting and mentoring undergrads, lots of opportunities, happy undergrads, warmer climate/sunshine, but far less name recognition b/c it isn’t a big football/SEC school, etc. (At the Ivy, she felt it had an uptight, overly serious vibe; she loved the coach, but the college as a whole just did not resonate with her). In terms of finances, we could have made the Ivy work-- we have saved and could do it and are fortunate that this is the case. I think it is because she was intimidated by the Ivy (a lot of wealthy, prep school kids from the east) and truly afraid of being so far from home (6 hrs of travel time to get home, including the drive to/from airport if it’s a direct flight–most flights involve 1-2 layovers), plus cold weather (she likes warm) and short, gray days.
She is a homebody and very close to her family, but I see most of my friends’ kids and so many parents/kids on college confidential not thinking twice about going far away–and wonder if we did something wrong. She is the youngest in her grade, but a gap year wouldn’t work due to athletic eligibility issues and she is totally opposed to one. I went across the country to attend an Ivy (also youngest in my grade) and was miserable and a mess–I worry that her knowing about my experience has influenced her. This was eons ago, but I arrived having never set foot on the campus until the day I moved in. My family was all about “getting in,” not about what it would be like for me to actually be there for 4 years. Once I got in, it was all about accepting this opportunity. I think many families may operate that way, but some kids do far better than others (I did fine academically, but was miserable and did not have the inner resources to cope due to things that happened–her life has been much more stable). It is a tall order for some kids, but how do you know if your child can handle it? I worry that perhaps we SHOULD push her to accept the Ivy spot, but also wonder if she’ll feel pushed beyond what she can really handle at this point (not academically, but emotionally). She makes really good grades, scores very high on standardized tests/AP exams, and makes a strong contribution to her endeavors, so my hope is that when the time is right (when she is more mature and equipped to handle the distance), she will have these same opportunities to go east for graduate school. But there are no guarantees–the spot just came without warning (we didn’t know it works this way) due to her athletic abilities (admissions reviewed her scores and grades, said yes, but the coach offered the “spot.”). She also got very upset b/c all her friends told her she was crazy to consider turning the spot town. She also wants to be able to say the name of that Ivy because it impresses others. We told her that part of growing up is having to make hard choices, not being able to have all things.

At one point a week or two ago, we encouraged her to go for the Ivy and accept the spot because 94% of applicants do NOT get a spot, and she might regret turning it down later. We wanted her to say yes IF she felt she could make something of the opportunity. We told her we would build trips home into the budget, etc. But along the way, as she went back and forth, often when she mentioned accepting the spot at the Ivy, she would weave the word “should” heavily into the conversation, and she looked visibly tense and would unconsciously frown, then would become irritable; whenever she would get in the mindset that she would say yes to this other school (the elite non ivy) that is closer to home, she seemed happy and relaxed. She is a people-pleaser at heart and is just a really sweet person, so we shielded her from knowing the details of the financial differences and/or some of our fears and hesitations about both places. We really wanted this to be HER choosing what felt right. It is such a fine line between knowing whether you are pushing your child or holding them back. Thoughts on this? Advice is welcome. It is not too late to go with either choice, but she seemed like she had decided in her own mind when she went to bed tonight.