How to stop my brother from crying...

moonchild
Fri, 08 Jan 2010 16:47:05 +0000

“Perfectionism” runs in the family. We’re all overachievers; we all work extremely hard to do well and get somewhat disappointed when we don’t achieve our (extremely high) goals, like many people on CC. But we get over it and don’t dwell on it.





My brother’s taking pre-calculus, of all things. I personally told him to slow down, but he wouldn’t listen (like I said, he chose to take the class). Of course, my mom didn’t listen to me and allowed him to take the course. It’s not the course that’s hard for him. He’s doing very well in it (he has a 98% average and is three months ahead of the coursework). It’s just that he’s constantly crying about the missing 2%, which is not normal, even for so-called "perfectionists





My parents are aware of the problem (they called me during midterms to tell me about it, hehe), but they don’t want to believe it’s an illness. I really think that this is getting out of control, though, and he needs to see a doctor. I just wanted other parents’ advice (and support). I’ll try to convince them to get him checked.



It’s these comments that warranted the “parents as the problem” comment from me. The fact that the OP saw that the course wasn’t really appropriate but the mom didn’t listen, and the fact that the OP seemed to want our support in order to convince his parents of the need for outside help prompted my comments.

I doubt that the parents actually equate their children’s worth with achievement in their hearts, but the family perfectionism and the way they drive themselves, (“we are all overachievers”) and their children will foster that attitude in young kids. It creates an environment that triggers whatever perfectionism a person may naturally have. It doesn’t seem like a leap to me that the parents set the tone in the family of what’s important, and the message here seems clear. They have extremely high goals (OP’s words) and it’s very important that they achieve them.