How to Support Bullied Daughter

spideygirl
Sun, 16 Oct 2011 14:29:02 +0000

I completely disagree with others who recommend that you go into the school to fix this, for two reasons. First, the odds of success are not in your favor, as in the public school environment there is a high likelihood of the school staff and administration “circling the wagons” (and you therefore making things worse). Second, your daughter is close to launch date (she will be in college soon, and you won’t be there day-to-day to lead her through this stuff). This is an opportunity you don’t want to miss to coach her behind the scenes, and let her exercise her problem solving muscles. However, if you suspect that her stress level might be a potential health problem, I would give different advice.

Managing the experience of working with an out-of-control boss or teacher…

I would tell DD to have the Leadership teacher’s phone number on hand and to get last minute text approvals on every single change from this point out. Regarding the homecoming issue, gosh, mistakes happen in the grown-up world all the time and somehow we smooth things over and it all usually works out. I have seen exceptional managers/leaders make mistakes (if your daughter even made one – I am not saying she did, I am just saying that either way a teacher tantrum was unwarranted). No one is perfect.

I would help DD to realize that in this life, nothing is fair in terms of getting blamed for things, and that she needs from this point forward to learn the art of CYA (cover your a$$) with every single step. Checks and double checks, and things that are not her responsibility, become her responsibility, when she absolutely, positively wants to look good (no matter what). Planning for the worst is good practice for an up-and-coming leader. Asking herself at every turn about what could possibly go wrong, and how she could structure things in advance so that nothing can possible go wrong, is a great learning experience.



It will be the second half of the first semester before the school has a full slate of officers.

As this is out of DD’s control, she needs to file it under “accept the things I cannot change”. It is an inefficient use of her energy to do otherwise.



A very, very, very bad problem is that this person has made DD cry twice and almost made her cry a third time.

I think you and your daughter need to assess whether she can and should try to manage this situation, which is what we do with bad bosses, or bail out for self-preservation’s sake. I hope she will do the former, but only your family can make this decision. You daughter, as a last ditch effort, could try to talk to the bully teacher, and if that doesn’t work go above her, but in my experience is that this rarely helps. I guess before totally bailing you could try the momma bear route (going into the school), although I truly doubt it will help short term or long (and I am afraid it will disempower your daughter even more).

My favorite approach would be for your daughter to learn how to survive and respond to people behaving badly, as an adult would. If she is strong enough, she certainly should try a few things before bailing or having mom come to the rescue. Maybe your daughter could sharpen her leadership chops by responding to the abuse with something like, “I wonder if we could somehow redirect the mood here to a place that is more encouraging and therefore productive. I’m not sure why, but things feel negative right now and I’d like to lead the way to a more positive mood. I am eager to learn how to do things better, and I’m excited about how much I can learn in this class”. She has said nothing negative about the teacher, but she has stood up for herself in a gentle and appropriate way. What your daughter is learning, basically, is how to redirect toddler behavior (toddlers who are adults). Yes, this approach is somewhat passive-aggressive, but it might work.

I would watch An Officer and a Gentleman with her, and take note of the scenes with the sergeant screaming. This would not be to see the abusive behavior in a better light, but instead to see how someone can toughen up and endure it (assuming the big picture is worth it).

For levity, have your daughter search for “Christian Bale Freaks Out on Set w/ SUBTITLES OF CREW in background” on youtube (profanity alert, but at her age it is nothing she hasn’t heard before – your call, but I think this is worth it). This almost derailed his career, BTW, and it did cost him. With some public apologies he was eventually able to turn it back around.

If this teacher is truly ranting in a five-star, abusive way, your daughter may want to regularly and secretly tape her meetings (if that is legal). If she can redirect the teacher’s behavior and endure the year, great, but a tape or two of the teacher at her best might be a persuasive tool if you are left with no other options. Personally, I think “getting” a teacher like this will hurt your daughter as well in some indirect way, but at the very least she could replay the tapes for the bully herself after graduation in order to help next year’s victim.

Lastly, I do think that the way we frame things makes all the difference in the world, and a nasty teacher for one hour a day is not the same thing as living with an abusive spouse. Not even close. I say this to make you feel better, BTW. :)