I always feel inadequate no matter what I do.

ANRE4742
Tue, 13 May 2014 20:16:50 +0000

Hi guys,
I’m just transferring from a community college to a good university in California. I’ve had a lot of trouble even before starting out college for I was a “homeless and at risk student.” I started working right away and I was so afraid to not have anyone fall back on in case I needed rent (once I got an apartment) that my grades suffered a lot so that I could work. During this time though I joined a debate team and won numerous awards. I didn’t have as much time to practice as everyone else did so sleep wasn’t a big thing for me. During my first year of college my hair was falling out from the stress and I would have intense panic attacks. I walked to work sat and sun morning at 5am in order to get there by 6. I sometimes had to run 30 min right after work to get to the college where I debated (not my college, it was a hybrid team). I did get bad grades this year. Then summer happened, I no longer had debate and I quit that terrible job. I took 4 classes and interned at an embassy and got straight As. I patched things up with my mom and moved back in with her. Then the emotional abuse began and I fell apart but I kept trying. I worked for an international organization, I went to Washington DC to represent my school and was interviewed on tv too. things were picking up, and then my dad committed suicide. I fell apart. My grades dropped so low (2.96) that I didn’t even think it was worth applying to any college. My sister found out I had all but given up and pushed me the day before the application was do so I wrote the essay that day and ended up getting into a few good colleges. I feel so fortunate and blessed to have come this far. But I still feel so inadequate. I don’t think I deserve it. My facebook is constantly filled with my friend’s amazing activism done at Cal, Colombia, Stanford, Harvard, etc. How did I accidentally meet and befriend a ton of ivy leagers?

I always feel so inadequate when seeing what they have been doing. I’m always working and at some points I’ve had two jobs. I have a lot of savings but I’m always afraid I’ll end up on the streets so I work more and more. I’m always afraid and I can’t succeed like I want to. I’m going to India this summer to work in a Hospital with another school and I still feel like…I can’t do that. I have to work. What if I come back and my mom killed herself too? (shes been threatening). How can I spend nearly 2,000 when I have only 9,000 in savings?! I have no one to rely on so I keep trying to save more and more. I’m just so afraid of the streets.

I’m sorry this is long. I don’t talk to anyone about this because people just look at me like I’m a charity case. I just want to know how can I get out of this mindset and follow my dreams.