I think I'm a failure...

TA3021
Sat, 16 Aug 2008 19:44:30 +0000

Do you ever get tired of being secretive and hiding from your parents?



I’m glad they found out. If anything, my Mom was angry that I kept it a secret. I wish I just told them to begin with. I was afraid of burdening or worrying them. I felt like a loser and I didn’t want them to feel the same way. Everything has cooled down since then and we’re still trying to find a clinic.



And why not psychology? Clearly you already have some experience with it, perhaps it’s something that would interest you. (It’s something I’m interested in, too. :P)



I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before, lol. I was seriously told twice in separate occasions that I should be a therapist. I’ve taken two classes on it already and it’s interesting.



I don’t know if you’re already doing this, but I keep a diary and I write in it when I’m confused or upset about anything. Sometimes writing down your thoughts (as you did here) help sort out your thoughts and feelings.



I have a diary and I like writing in it. I’ve been avoiding it lately because I want to forget any of this has ever happened. It’s like a way to escape my memories. That’s probably a bad idea though, and you’re probably right that it would help me sort out my feelings and hopefully recover.



Would you consider working in a library or book store? Of course there are people at those places but often the atmosphere is calm and the people are quiet.



I asked for an application for the library yesterday and they said they didn’t have any openings. I’m looking for bookstores now.



It sounds like having those disturbing thoughts is a little scary for you. Is that right? Keep working on finding a good clinic, because I think that therapy and possibly medication can be very helpful for you.



Yes, it is scary. I wish my mind would give me a break, at least for a day! Seriously, why does all of this have to happen to me? I wish I could just have a normal life. I’m not thinking of suicide right now, but I don’t want to be one of those people who are in and out of hospitals for most of their lives.

I’m a little afraid of going back to school. I don’t want to feel like I’m getting watched over like a hawk or the administration acting as if I’m the next Cho Sueng Hui. I doubt all of this will be leaked out to the professors or even the students, but I still feel like a pariah. Then I remembered what Jason Shah said in an earlier post, which I will paraphrase here: If one feels as if something is wrong about them, it will reflect through their demeanor.