I think I'm a failure...

TA3021
Sun, 31 Aug 2008 19:43:58 +0000

My sister left for Fordham a few days ago. I gave her this book she said she wanted which is The Essential Works of Oscar Wilde As for the good memory I mentioned earlier, she only said she would like the book once and that was over a month ago.

I also wrote her a card that was longer than I thought it would be. Instead of being about memories, it was laden with advice and encouragement for her to succeed there. I basically told her to reach her highest potential and to let no one get in her way.

Sometimes I don’t know what my writings would lead to until I buckle down and let the words flow. She said she liked what I wrote; it seemed as if she liked it better than the gift Then I asked her why she was standing and saying nothing. She said, “I’d like to hug you, but you’re sitting down.”
Then we hugged for the longest we have ever hugged. I think she was crying, her eyes were watery and her face was red when we were finished.

I didn’t know my sister would miss me that much. I did not know how important my presence was to my family. When I was at my Aunt’s house for weeks, my parents kept calling me to wonder when I’d come back as if they genuinely felt the house was empty without me. My Mom said she did not realize how much I did until I left for weeks; she felt like she had to do more around the house, such as the dishes were piled up higher when I went away. She even missed that I made tea for her all the time.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this, but I feel kind of sad that I’m not the one venturing out of my neighborhood. I don’t feel like a real college student or even a real adult. I’ve had two instances this week where people assumed I was still in high school and my sister is older than me. I’ve been told that I look young for my age, but I don’t feel that I look younger than her. I just feel like I’ve missed out on my youth because I let nothing happen in my life. Hopefully, I’ll get a 4.0 from now on and find opportunities for myself. I want a second chance.