I think I'm a failure...

TA3021
Thu, 21 Aug 2008 01:06:42 +0000

Always think about alternative explanations



I hope I could keep this in mind.



Do they know pretty much everything, including about the troublesome thoughts you sometimes have?



Yes. It is mainly my father who is helping me find clinics. I’m doing most of the work though. I’ve called no less than twenty places. Some of those operators are rude and abrupt. You’d think they would have some sort of sensitivity training towards anxious callers. Do they really expect me to roll out words like I’m ordering Chinese food? I’m embarrassed to call in the first place. I know their job is not easy and they’re probably jaded from the nonsense they have to deal with everyday, but that doesn’t give them an excuse to act so immature (lumping everyone together) and selfish (only caring about their own feelings). One idiot directed me to OB-GYN possibly because I called back after misunderstanding what was said to me. I’m not offended at all, I just thought it was stupid and felt sorry for her miserable self.

My Mom is really understating everything. She actually thinks that everything will be solved if I just talk to her instead of “those complete strangers who don’t care” and to stop “avoiding” the family. Which I’m really not; I was just staying at my Aunt’s house to keep myself busy. I don’t want to “look into myself” as she told me to do. That kind of stuff is what drove me mad! Then she tells me the opposite by saying not to internalize.

Personally, I would rather talk to the “strangers” because at least I won’t have to worry about them telling anyone or using it against me in the future. She even finds it kind of funny and keeps asking me if she has anything to do with what happened. I keep saying no, but she doesn’t understand. She says if I know the distressing thoughts won’t really happen, why do I care? I don’t know! All I know is that it won’t just disappear if I rationalize myself out of it because I’m scared of what will happen if I think about it any further and try my hardest to block it.

I got kind of lucky yesterday. I found a clinic that is nearby and I overlooked it because the address was hard to find. The phone number did not work for there. I hope the place still exists.

Also, I have a feeling that the therapist I saw before wouldn’t agree to seeing me for a few weeks before I find something. She seemed intent on the clinic instead.

Oh, for some reason I’m not allowed to edit my previous post. I meant, “the administration watching over me like a hawk”



I am interested, too, that people have suggested being a therapist to you. What strengths of yours lead people to make that suggestion?



I’m a good listener and I’ve been told that I’m very nice. They did not have any specific reasons though. It just seems as if everything I said was practical yet made them feel better at the same time.



I believe that you can have a normal life,



Let’s hope so. I believe in giving myself a chance.