If we skip graduation, will we regret it?

Northstarmom
Fri, 15 Jun 2007 09:59:18 +0000

"And the bottom line is, they guilted us into attending. sigh But we have all agreed that we’re leaving as soon as possible, and I’ve arranged to have him driven up to join the other gathering, already in progress. "

No, they didn’t “guilt” you into attending. You are guilting yourself into attending.

You still could simply not go. From what you’ve described here, there is absolutely no reason for you and your son to go. You have been treated horribly by the school. You don’t owe them anything. You do owe your son a pleasant day and pleasant memories. From what you’ve described, attending the graduation won’t be pleasant for either of you.

Your and your son’s absence won’t hurt your younger son either. The people at the school know very well that they treated you wrong. They are lying to you, too, about the messages. The more you stand up for yourself, the greater the chance that they won’t attempt to mistreat your younger son.

I strongly suggest that you take a close look at the lesson that by going you’ll be teaching your S: That people can walk all over him, treat him horrendously, yet he should give up his plans and his desires to do what they want.

He is getting ready to go off to college. Is this the kind of lesson that you want to teach him as he leaves and learns more about living his own life?

As for the people at the school, the best thing that you can do for them is not show up. That will teach them how to best treat people.

You may remember that a few weeks ago, I posted about a dilemma I had: I had been asked to host a birthday party for a friend who was stressed and depressed due to lots of problems with her mentally challenged adult child, and I had said I’d do it if it was a potluck. The person who asked me went behind my back and told people to bring nothing: As a result, the birthday girl was having to cook for her own party.

Then, the person who had asked me to host the party told me about those plans 2 days before I was supposed to host the party. I was furious. I really wanted a potluck (which is a normal way of entertaining in the circle that would be invited), and I didn’t want my overworked, stressed, depressed friend having to cook for her own party. I felt, too, that I was being treated like a servant in my own home since I wasn’t being allowed to set the rules for how I’d entertain.

I ended up not hosting the party, and telling the person who had asked me, and the birthday girl (whom I didn’t blame at all) why.

I am so glad that I did that because I really was being used by the person who asked me. My close friendship has continued with the birthday girl. I now know the other woman well enough to realize that under no circumstances do I want to continue a friendship with her, though I remain pleasant to her. I also have found out that that woman had been causing all sorts of problems at our church due to her manipulative, controlling behavior.

I was brought up by a mother who focused on making other people happy even when they were mistreating me. No matter what people did to me, she would act like it was my fault, and if I were just nicer and more undertanding, everything would be fine.

As a result, I ended up having "friends’ who really witches, and boyfriends who were very selfish and narcissistic. Finally, I’ve learned to stand up for myself. It’s amazing what a load doing so lifts off my shoulders. I need not any more ignore my own desires in order to make happy people who are unkind and whom I don’t even like.

Anyway, I hope that you use this graduation as a way of letting your S know that when he’s mistreated, he needn’t cave in and make the others happy, but he should follow his own bliss. Taking such a step also would make your own life happier and less stressful.

I can not tell you how much it literally hurts me to hear that you and he may go to that graduation after how horrendously the school has treated you. You know they only care about their image, not about you and your S. Make that graduation a happy day by not going.