Internship abroad and being miserable with depression

AlexandriaR
Tue, 20 Aug 2013 22:06:19 +0000

Hello there, this is my story. I am a 23-year-old girl and a few months ago I made the hardest decision of my life, which is moving abroad. Since I wanted to gain experience before enrolling to a master’s degree, luckily I managed to be accepted into a paid internship program precisely in the field I’m interested in, in a Latin-American country. From the beginning I knew it was going to be very hard for different reasons: it was my first international experience, I always wanted to do a semester abroad during college but my finances never allowed it; For years I’ve been fighting depression and other anxiety issues, but my therapist and I decided it would be OK for me to do it; I was in a long term relationship, and I was very dependent on my boyfriend; and I’ve always have had problems making friends.

But anyways I was so excited about the experience, I could finally fulfill my dreams of living abroad, I was going to get more knowledge and experience in an International organization, and who would not like to have an opportunity like this?
I knew it was going to be difficult but everyone can do it, right?

Wrong. Moving out of my country was much harder that I could imagine and I’m still struggling, this is why I got here. Since I arrived in I struggled very hard because of the reasons I told you: I had to break up with my boyfriend because he didn’t want to have a long distance relationship, and the first 2 months of my stay here I spent so many hours crying, fighting with him, getting to the realization that we were no longer together. Of course this affected me A LOT, in my process of getting accustomed to my new home, my new job, making friends, and stuff.

Another thing, since I got here I never did not feel very welcome or anything like that. As I said, I’m very shy and it is very hard for me to make new friends and with my depression issues, my broken relationship, and plus the stress of being out of my country having to put nice face in my new job, Voila! I failed miserable. And now this is an issue that is really making me miserable in so many ways.

First of all let me tell you about the environment of my job. It is sort of an international center based in the US but with operations in developing countries. It relies heavily on visiting students who want to gain experience, do research for their masters and stuff. Most of the visitors come from Europe and the US. Well the environment here is very informal, student like, although there are very intelligent and hard working people. As you might guess all the foreigners like to get together, go to parties, club, travel and stuff. Many of them, have to do all these things together, they even live in the same neighborhood. And for me, with many things going on, I didn’t manage to get into their group.

After month of being here I moved in to a new apartment with some work colleagues and I thought that was the best decision and that it would be good for my social life. I was wrong again. At first I got along pretty well with my roommate, she was so nice and she helped me a lot when I was sad because of my ex and stuff (thing that maybe annoyed her later). She would tell me that she didn’t have many friends either and the she wanted to meet other people. Well I invited her to few parties I was invited to. Since she has more social skills than I do, she made more friends, and then she was the one who had plans during the weekend or on the evenings. It was ok with me, but then she started having this *****y attitude towards me and at first it was annoying, but I decided that I just wouldn’t bother her anymore. The thing is I would ask myself, what is wrong with me?
I have to be honest, that at first I was so happy to have a new friend and going through a lot of emotional pressure that I might have relied on her more than she would have liked. But I never ever treated her badly or so. From then, when we would go together to parties I would just treat her nice. Then a new girl was hired, and again I sort of screwed it with her. She started making new friends, and would never say even hi to me or invite me to her parties.

In 8 weeks I am going back home, and I am so scared to what is going to happen next. For one moment I want to stay longer to gain more experience, and to make it worth all the sacrifice I’ve been doing here, for another part I’m scared that my social life continues being as ****ty as it is, and that I don’t have the emotional support I need from my friends and family, specially given my depression issues.

At the same time, I started sort of a relation with one local guy, it just started as a one night stand but now we are like really crazy about each other, and I am so scared of having to say good bye again, after my ex. Besides I feel like I have nothing in my hometown, I have no job, my ex basically told me that he does not want to see me when I get back and I believe he is starting another relationship.

In addition to all of these, I feel so bad about the work I’ve been doing here, because thanks to all my issues I believe I haven’t given my best effort, and I don’t think they are going to renew my contract for another 6 months. At the same time I feel so lonely at times, and that I really need my friends, but I have nothing at home.

I really need help, because I’ve been experiencing nervous breakdowns and constant panic attacks. I still have therapy via Skype, but I feel like it is not enough. I cannot even breath with all these constant thoughts, and I still have to put a smile in my face at work.

Any suggestions? Have any of you had similar experiences?

Sometimes I feel like such a looser, but it has been very hard to cope with everything.

Thank you for reading my long story.