Is College This "Sexy?"

jonri
Tue, 11 Mar 2008 13:48:14 +0000

As one of the more sexually conservative parents on this site–at least that’s my impression from other threads–I’d give somewhat different advice.

I think you do have to prepare kids, especially daughters. It’s simply fact that there are lots of sexual assaults on college campuses and that over three quarters of those assaults are of freshman and first semester sophomores. The vast majority of those that are reported are committed by upperclassmen. The typical case is a first semester female, a bit drunk, and a senior. I think that’s more than half the reported cases.

I think you have to tell your daughters that it’s a bad idea to drink too much and an even worse one to drink too much when you are with people you don’t know well. I think you also tell them that they cannot assume that just because a guy is cute and belongs to top frat or is a big man on campus that means he isn’t a sexual predator. They should also be told that if they get into a situation in which they feel uncomfortable, they should get out of it. Don’t let someone manipulate them by saying they are “immature” or “acting like a high school kid” or whatever. If a guy you don’t know well asks you back to his dorm room to “talk” do not assume he is telling you the truth.

I also told my D that if she had too much to drink, she shouldn’t let a male “volunteer” to walk her back to the dorm. I also told her that if one of her girlfriends has too much to drink at a party she should insist on going with whoever “volunteered” to help her friend get back to the dorm. Don’t let a guy walk a drunken girl back to the dorm alone.

Of course, add the standard advice about not letting a guy they don’t know VERY well fetch a drink for them from the bar --very common when the guy is 21 and the girl isn’t–or drinking out of a glass that they’ve let out of their sight when dancing or whatever.

When it comes to consensual sex, I have another requirement. While my position is that this is something that belongs in marriage, I made it clear that this is a choice each person has to make personally. However, I did tell my D that should she decide to have sex with someone that they needed to decide what would happen if she did get pregnant. Abortion is contrary to my beliefs. I hope that my D would never have an abortion. If she thinks that she would not or might not, then she has a responsibility to tell any young man she might decide to have sex that fact before having sex. LOTS of young men these days assume that if a young woman gets pregnant, she’ll have an abortion. That isn’t always a safe assumption. Should a young woman choose not to abort a child and raise it herself, a young man is financially responsible for that child until the child is 18 years of age. IMO, young men need to know this and need to take that into account.

IMO, if college students aren’t willing to have this discussion before having sex, they do not belong in bed with that person. I have friends who are parents with very different views than my own, but they have found this advice to be good. It can be pretty awful for a young man who finds out someone he slept with is pregnant and she intends to raise the child herself and expects him to support that child financially.

I think all young people also need to know that a condom will not protect against herpes because the warts may not be entirely covered by it. It’s surprising how many young people are unaware of this.

The OP’s D should be fine. However, I would spend a bit of time explaining the points above.