Is my essay worth reading?

Cloudchamber
Thu, 10 Jul 2014 14:22:18 +0000

Okay, a few suggestions. These aren’t definitive in any way, just my thoughts:
-“it is of a disadvantage for animals to”- overly wordy, which detracts from the power of what you’re saying. Go with a strong adjective or noun and cut out all the superfluous other stuff- i.e., “it is morally condemnable,” “a travesty.”

-“necessary that humans will continue using animals to achieve a certain end.”- Again, overly wordy. When you’re writing an essay, try to keep it as precise and clean as possible. I would change it to some variant of: “find it crucial to use animals to…”

-Do not use first person (“I”) in a formal, persuasive essay. State your opinion as objective fact, and then prove it.

-As for the thesis: it’s pretty vague- “some aspects should be changed.” I suggest you sharpen it a bit: what aspect, exactly? I think it certainly needs to be more focused than “some aspects.”
It’s also a little cumbersome and wordy- get rid of the whole “for the purpose of satisfying…” bit. Superfluous.
Also, and perhaps most crucially: if this is meant to be an AP lang essay, I would suggest NOT straddling two points of view- even if it best represents your own perspective. That strategy will inevitably leave your essay messy and unfocused. I would say: pick a side, which ever one you can procure more argument and reason for, and prove it thoroughly and eloquently. It will be infinitely stronger.

-Second paragraph is pretty good. “This shows” is usually something you want to avoid; maybe you can pinpoint what exactly in that example “shows” the point you’re discussing. Again, make it more explicit; less vague. There are a few other things but they’re all pretty minor.

Okay, I’m going stop going line by line here. Just my general tips: avoid verbosity, 1st person, make some stronger word choices. In the body paragraphs there are moments where you casually bring up points without fully exploring them and emphasizing their importance- you should elaborate on that evidence more fully (one example is the whole “we would have to use humans” bit- keep going. How unethical would it be? How terrible?). You should also avoid the word “may.” State your points confidently and powerfully.

But the main thing with your essay is that it doesn’t really prove any point- it seems more like the internal, discursive, somewhat floundering thought process of someone encountering the evidence. It succumbs to that “messy and unfocused” nature I mentioned earlier.

To answer your actual question: yes, it is worth reading. You raise some good points. But could your essay be better? Yes. I can totally understand why you’d feel compelled to examine both viewpoints and utilize all the evidence: it’s an admirable aim, and probably one that is more useful in the long run, i.e. in life. But for an AP lang essay you should pick a side and prove it well; that will best illustrate your logical and expository writing abilities. So, I would rework your essay. You say you personally think animals should still be exploited. Try doing a thorough job proving that

Good luck!