Is Self-Doubt Part of the Process?

AsMother
Tue, 11 Sep 2018 00:27:12 +0000

I kept looking at the title of this thread and thinking, “GOD yes!!!”
My son didn’t really start playing guitar (and some piano) until he was about 15. He asked for some lessons, and took a few from local teachers, but for the most part he was teaching himself until he attended a week-long jazz camp at the University of North Florida–that changed everything. He loved it.
When it was time to apply to colleges we were nervous because some late-detected learning issues had given him some serious problems grade-wise, for a while.
Long story short, he was accepted by the New School and SUNY Purchase for guitar performance, and to Hampshire. But he didn’t get into Berklee, where he really wanted to be.
And then, early in the summer before he was to start at Purchase, he got MAJOR anxiety and impostor syndrome. He felt they’d made a mistake when they accepted him. He did not want to go. We were worried that if he didn’t start thrn he might never go, but we didn’t want to force him.
So he stayed home for a year and took music classes at a community college, and practiced. (He’d been deferred at Purchase.)
Following year, almost the same thing–he thought it would be more prudent to attend Purchase as a Pol Sci major! Aaaargh!
So a few months into that, he called me late one night and said he wanted to apply to Berklee again (yeah–I was thrilled…I KNOW he’s got music running through his veins, as his HS chorus teacher once said).
So he did, and this time he was accepted, and he just started.
Point of my very long (sorry!) story is that in retrospect I see that he knew what he was doing. Had he gotten into Berklee, or attended the Purchase conservatory back then, I just don’t think he would have made it, or a lot would have been lost on him in all his uncertainty. And he needed a little more maturity. Now he has that, and tons more confidence, and we’re so glad that things went the way they did, even if they were upsetting at the time.
So I’ve learned a little bit about trusting one’s child’s instincts about these things. Turns out he really does know himself better than we thought we did! If we had pushed it might have been disastrous.
And, @bridgenail , I loved and amened this:

“The best advice I got: when your kid loses her confidence, a parent needs to believe for her. And this is harder than it sounds.”
For us, that meant knowing in our hearts and reminding him of his innate abilities and musical work ethic, while still letting him set his own course.
I’m sure that your daughter will get her mojo back on this! It can be a daunting path–we were way too inexperienced (thank God for the people here on CC!) to really understand that for a long time!