Is your kid "manufactured"?

epiphany
Sat, 01 Aug 2015 14:47:36 +0000

The Indian father was out of line-

Probably not according to what he and his son thought was the the expected family behavior.

Look, I deal with Chinese, Korean, Indian families constantly. The tendency is for the parents to get a little intense sometimes, but the roles of parents with regard to education – including at the cusp of college – is different in other cultures than here in the States. Let’s just isolate the Indians for a moment, because I have had so much interface with them and have great relationships with them. It is not uncommon for the father to be more deeply involved in the child’s education (at all levels) than the mother is. Sometimes this is (additionally) a language issue, if (even if the mother is English-fluent), the father is more fluent and quite articulate, but sometimes the father still takes charge when both can communicate equally. I’ve had long conversations with them with respect to tutoring and college admissions. The style is to be very thorough in presenting/explaining because they assume that education is a family affair, and as I have said elsewhere on this forum, in some ways it is. The very thoroughness and formality about it all is a sign of great respect for education and for those who educate.

Now, I understand two things:
(1) this was college-level, not pre-college, but I still maintain that the kind of “total” independence that is a social expectation in the States – miraculously and sometimes artificially at 17 or 18 – is not shared by all other cultures. In other cultures continuing parental interest would be a sign that the family was maintaining a serious sense of duty about education and was responsible enough to communicate with colleges. The student’s silence in the presence of parents and college officials would not necessarily be a sign of being managed, let alone manufactured, but a sign that the student is being respectful of elders. Allowing the parent to “control” the meeting – or even be present at this age – would not indicate that the student is immature, has no mind of his own, is overly docile, etc.

In other cultures, you have to be prepared to have long talks with people sometimes – and not just about education. Just because we Americans are always in a rush to “get to the bottom line” does not mean that everyone else can or should immediately understand that and adapt, pronto.

In my encounters, respect for elders and academic independence are not mutually exclusive. If the whole family comes in to see me (not unusual), the student typically takes the back seat. More westernized parents will often turn to the student to suggest he or she speak up and verify or challenge what is being said. And when that happens, the student always does, and often has a different angle on what the parents have said. And then when they’re alone with me it’s clear that they’re just as independent and mature (for their age) as any American counterpart.

(2) Choice of major --and career/life goals – invites many more problems and is open to a lot of criticism. However, in this case, I doubt we know whether the student in question was being forced into a field he didn’t want. In many of my situations, I do know that because it is admitted by both parties, and the frequent emotional breakdowns are further evidence. However, I have never seen it in Indian families; that’s just anecdotal, but I have known maybe a hundred such families, and never once is the parent deciding “for” the child. (The same long conversations with those in education/academics are also held within the family.)

To be fair, I have sometimes seen this thorough engagement within Chinese families, when the parents discuss the long talks they have had with their children and the (obvious) care they are showing to respect the child’s wishes and needs, and then air those with me. It’s very sweet, and I’m very touched. I just have less occasion to see it, and some of that may have been different kinds of opportunities and different personalities involved.

It’s very possible that none of this is relevant, because I notice in the Merc article an abrupt break between the scene with the Indian family and the less directly related (i.m.o.) discussion of the author’s points about helicoptering, over-shaping, high student stress resulting from that, etc. But if the author being quoted does think that the meeting in question is by itself a good example of helicoptering, I disagree, for cultural reasons.