Lack of...Willpower? No motivation?

cheurosis
Tue, 07 Jun 2016 23:47:25 +0000

So… it is the end of my sophomore year and I finished with a 3.1 unweighted gpa for this semester which will drop my academic cumulative gpa down to a 3.2. I dont know how to go into this but this is how i will start:
On a daily basis of a school week since freshmen year, I will come home from my classes and immediately sit on my couch or bed and surf the internet, eat, or sit aimlessly staring around my room, just pondering/daydreaming about irrelevant things. At times I will disregard my workload, or the amount of time I have to finish, or even the importance of the test I have the following day. I tell myself something like, “I will do my homework later, sleep doesn’t matter that much…I can stay up late to do my homework”. The consequences of this thought are tiredness the next day at school, and for the rest of the week. It is a continuous cycle.
At times feels as though there is a weight on my chest… literally. I will be laying in bed after school, feeling pulled down towards my mattress by my lack of motivation, apathy, and sometimes lethargy. I feel… sloth-like.
At my high school, I am in weighted courses (honors, ap) except math. I find the material in the classes to be quite easy to grasp and understand, however, I am consistently getting B+ and Bs in these because I only put in minimum effort, and sometimes I just allow things like assignments to slide and I tell myself “I will just try harder on the next one to compensate”, a strategy which has never worked out. Despite the constant string of errors and mistakes in judgement, I find that I am unable to learn from any of them.
My main talent/interest/extracurricular is fine arts and even though I find immense interest in it, the times when I actually create are when I have spontaneous bursts of motivation, which is not often. My art portfolio is one of the only things that holds me far up for my future college application, and slowly, the opportunities to utilize my talents are fading away slowly.
I had recovered from semi severe depression/anxiety, which lasted about a year when I was 14 however I am now 16 and certain symptoms persist though I am unsure whether or not these are associated with my academic issues. Although I have grown so much as a person, In general, I am still a little more neurotic and experience/deal with emotions a little differently than the average human. though now, the emotional symptoms are not drastic enough to fit the profile of any mental disorder (maybe depression still but idk)
I have considered that I may have ADHD due to my behavior in elementary and middle school (unfocused, hyperactive, daydreaming, talkative, disruptive), though I do not seem to have symptoms of severe attention-deficit- if I try hard to focus in a given situation, I can. Though what made me consider ADD is that when I am attempting to do my homework, it seems as though my phone and my computer are calling to me, and telling me to put off the work and gratify myself with social media and you tube videos.
There are several reasons I am sure of for all these things,

1. Lack of will power/delaying gratification, aka a weak pre-frontal cortex
2.Lack of long-term motivation- the farther something is (like college experiences), the less realistic it seems to my brain, and so I do not feel the drive I wish to feel

2. etc etc…more related things I am unable to think of right now…

I do want change. There is a side of my mind that pleads the other side to find motivation and will power, however the latter is stronger. I often google, read psychological studies, and seek advice from my peers about the symptoms. however, nothing has brought about even a small amount of change.
If anyone has any wisdom, books to read about this, personal experiences, anything helps.
thanks