Looking for help with son's college list

dadof4kids
Tue, 28 Sep 2021 18:58:33 +0000

I think the first thought most people have is that it will be easier to find your tribe and make friends at a big school, but anecdotally I have seen the opposite.

I think that the crucial part of having a good social experience in college is “finding your people.” I realize that’s not my great realization or a novel concept. But I do think there are 2 different aspects, one of which gets overlooked.

First, are there going to be more of “your people” at a bigger school? Most likely. Even if you don’t fit the stereotype of whatever the school is, if there are 20,000 students, there are people like you to hang out with and be friends with. On the other hand, how many people are you honestly going to be close friends with? 3,4, maybe 10 at most? I don’t think you need a large number of people, you just need a few you can connect with.

The second part is the trickier “finding” them. In the last couple years I have seen 2 kids I know well who are nice but a bit more socially reserved go to our big flagship 2 hours away and not make any friends. It is so easy to just go in your room and get lost. And when they felt uncomfortable socially, that’s what they did. I think that’s much harder to do at a smaller school.

As an example of how that works, my daughter (who has been putting in some effort to make friends but is not naturally social) just started at Amherst College (1900 students). She has been getting involved and is making friends, because there is really nowhere to hide. She had never considered crew before she got there, but a girl she met suggested it. So now she is rowing for Amherst. In general, the smaller colleges have organizations that need people, where many times at the larger schools the organizations are larger and less personal, or even have selective interviews to even join. You are much more likely to be welcomed with open arms at a small school.

Another thing to look at that I think is underrated but I looked pretty hard at is to see where the students come from. One thing that benefitted her is that students come from all over, not just the surrounding area. Which means that most kids did not show up on campus with a friend group already intact. I see so many kids from my kids’ HS who either go to the local directional or the state flagship, and still after 4 years their friends are the same guys they hung out with in middle school. I think it can be tougher to break in socially at a school like that.

Full disclosure, I have 2 older kids at big schools. One is an athlete, most of his friends are too. The other is in a fraternity, and most of his friends are either kids from his fraternity or kids he knew before he went to college. It is working well for them. The one in a fraternity actually started school at a different college, with a less than desirable greek system to put it very charitably. He switched schools partly because of having a miserable experience there. So if your child is interested in a greek system, check it out ahead of time and make sure it is what they really want. I’m not anti-greek, it was a great experience for my wife and I, and at the current school it is a great experience for my oldest. But it was a horrible experience for him his freshman year at a different college.