Maybe I should have had seven kids.

Delicate_Arch
Wed, 16 Mar 2011 14:58:24 +0000

I am all for fixing, especially when it comes to academics. It’s what I do.

But, EK, it sounds like D doesn’t want any fixing right now. So the issue is what could you do instead. Is she safe? Is she going to hurt herself? Because if she is safe and not going to get hurt, maybe everything is actually fine in the sense that she is learning something (it might not seem like it, but as she flounders, she will). Yes, she is going to get some bad grades. Yes, this is a waste of money. But at least she might begin to recognize that saying “it is all fine” does not ACTUALLY make it all fine.

This is a big maturation step for a lot kids. It helps them realize that when they get a statement saying a bill is unpaid, it needs to be attended to, not just stuffed in a drawer. It means if your meds are running out, you have to call and deal with it NOW instead of delaying. It means if an application is due in next week, you need to start it now.

It sounds like this is a very painful time for you and your D (and others in the family too I imagine). But if someone like you keeps helping with this sort of stuff, how will she ever become someone who doesn’t wait until the wheel is rolling down the street next to the car to begin to think about tightening the lug bolts.

My sister told me recently, when she was talking me down from one of my fix-it rampages, that our kids do what they need at the time. They are constructing the situations that they need to protect themselves and then as they work this out it is what they need to grow.

So I totally sympathize as I feel we are wasting a huge amount of $$ right now for a “life lesson”, but I am seeing glimmers that some very painful learning is going on. It probably means a two year delay on what should have been a straight path.

But, if I had fixed this from the get-go (that’s what I wanted to do) it would just have kicked the problem down the road.