Maybe I should have had seven kids.

MomLive
Wed, 16 Mar 2011 18:54:20 +0000

Since my son left for college in the fall, I’ve been trying to reposition our relationship from strictly parent-child to a quasi-adult to adult (he’s 19 1/2). Part of the reason I’ve been doing this is during HS he started becoming quite non-communicative and secretive and we started having a lot of conflicts right before he left for college. I realized then that this is not the kind of relationship I want with my son. I’ve learned that he is more willing to accept my input if I treat him more like an adult than a child. It has actually been working, he is now seeking my advice on things…once in a while. :)

My first ‘rule’ is to never immediately say, ‘no’ or otherwise pass judgment. (I should add that much of our communication takes place via text, which makes it easier to think about what how I’m going to respond instead of jumping right in with a reaction). Instead, I ask questions but not in a way that would make him defensive. The big thing with kids at this age is 1) they don’t want to feel controlled and 2) they don’t want to be judged.

Second (just like Somemom said): Don’t show a lot of emotions especially negative emotions. That makes them feel judged.

Third: I try to phrase my ‘suggestions’ as a list of advantages and disadvantages. For example, You might try: "Honey, it’s hard when you’re not doing well in a class. I guess feeling like you’re struggling makes it even more tempting to skip class or not do the work. Of course, the disadvantage to that is you get even further behind and could even end up having to withdraw from school. One thing you could try is to talk to the professor and see if he can suggest some ways you could get caught up. An advantage to doing that is the professor will see you are trying and they often will give you a bump up in grades based on effort…

Fourth: * Dont’t* expect any response or reaction from them. Just know that they have heard you and will hopefully internalize your suggestions. End it on a positive note: “I know you can figure this out and I am happy to help you in any way I can.”

Fifth: Try not to overreact to every thing they do. At this age, they really are adults (albeit still on our payroll). It’s okay for them to do things that are not dangerous but that you might not approve of. If you want a relationship with them past college, you have to let go of the expectation that they are going only do things with your approval (not saying, Emeraldkity4, you’re doing this…I just have a few friends who are doing this with their college-age kids and are pushing those kids further and further away with their expectations, criticism and control).

One thing I try to keep in mind when dealing with my son is although he can’t legally drink, he is old enough to join the military, have a job, his own apartment, get married, have kids, etc. In other words, he’s an adult (though an immature one at times) and deserves to be treated like one as much as possible. I try to think how I would respond to a friend or one of my siblings or a co-worker. In a (hopefully) non-judgmental but helpful way.

Lastly, parenting kids this age can be very difficult because the relationship is changing…don’t be too hard on yourself.