Meddling Grandparents

fieldsports
Wed, 01 Feb 2012 19:35:09 +0000

Wow. Grandparents have the dubious privilege of thinking whatever they want about their grandchildren, and disregarding the parents’ obligation to raise the kids in the real world. It starts out when they buy a toddler drums for Christmas. The OP describes comments that are out of line, by any objective standard. They insult the boy’s abilities, undermine his optimism about his future, and may undermine his confidence in the guidance he’s getting from his parents. Their comments are unkind to the kid, really, no matter how the comments are meant.

The OP is clearly well versed in college admissions and is not making sloppy decisions. The OP’s focus is, properly, on her son, his feelings, and whether he is being hurt or misled by the extended family’s misguided lobbying efforts. If he is tuning all of this out, it’s less of a problem. If they are taking the joy out of this milestone for him, or compounding his stress, then the boundaries need enforcement.

Only the OP would know whether the boundaries in this family are best enforced by sitting them down in front of Naviance, or by declining invitations for vague reasons. When it comes to enforcing boundaries with elderly grandparents, there are two complications – sometimes their antisocial behavior is the leading edge of dementia, and sometimes they become incapacitated or die on short notice. If that happened while the family is “on the outs” over their thoughtless remarks about colleges, it would likely compound everyone’s grief and might engender additional conflict among the next generation. As kids become acquainted with their grandparents’ quirks, warts, thoughtlessness, and lesser qualities, they understand human nature and their own family history better.

As the focus belongs on the boy, maybe this can be used as an opportunity for him to review with his parents and clarify in his own mind why he is applying to certain schools and NOT applying to 4,000 other schools. If he can also separate the wheat from the chaff in his relationship with the grandparents and uncle, and remain uninjured by their misguided remarks while continuing to enjoy occasional contact with people that he probably won’t have forever, he is a wise young man, and so much the better.