Mistake? Running? What's wrong with me?

restlessagain
Mon, 19 Mar 2007 12:42:19 +0000

Hello Parents!

I used to post here under a different name, but I decided not to use it because, well, I’m at a small school and it would take two seconds to identify me by it. (I actually had two incoming freshmen this year recognize me from here :P)

So, I’m at a crossroads. I feel like I’m always at these things, but I’m tired of being here and I’m trying to figure out if I really need to change or if I need to change scenery.

Quick Background: I’m at a small, private liberal arts college. Its well-respected and massively grade deflated. All things considered, I’m doing pretty well GPA-wise. I’m a little bit involved but not much. Work has been all-consuming. Hours and hours and of sitting and trying to get stuff done. Then, go figure. I get tested, I have ADHD and a few learning disabilities. Life starts to make sense for once.

Issues at hand: I’ve never been entirely happy here. I like my classes, but I don’t feel like I’m getting what I want to out of it. I’m in a humanities major but I’m constantly questioning. I can’t change majors: small school, not enough classes. I don’t even know what I want to take. I wish I could major in high school: science, math, English, history, with a little art thrown in. Here comes the “oops, why did I end up at a school with a really traditional curriculum?”

I ended up at a school like this because I didn’t know what I wanted. Problem? I still don’t know what I want. I guess I’m looking for advice. I know this is the internet and no one can fix my problems, but I don’t really know where to turn anymore. Parents are tired of hearing my constant ideas about what I like (ADHD’s impulses are my demons, am I just a chemical impulse or do I actually want to change?), friends just make me feel worse (“well, I guess you should have thought about this.”)

Schools is too expensive. I think about the costs all the time. Then I feel bad and can’t focus on my work. I don’t even know if I can get a good financial aid package as a transfer.

I’m also a sophomore. I’d have to take off next year to apply places, but I don’t have any idea what I’d do in that time. Parents would be mad at me doubtlessly.

Socially there’s no connection. I try and I fail. I find interesting people, of course, but I can’t find friends. There aren’t any clubs I’m even vaguely interested in, I’ve tried. I hate the party scene here. I hate parties. I hate substances. I hate that everyone I know either thinks weekends are for partying or already has little cliques that always seem so exclusive.

I’m at my wits end. I know I should probably just stay here but right now I want nothing more then to run away. Get in car, drive, and start over somewhere else. I know a lot more about myself now and I wish it was back in high school so I could apply smart. I wanted to apply to a lot of schools, but didn’t because I felt stupid. This one was a last minute whim and I feel like a spoiled little kid for not liking it.