My 200word UC essay!!

bettina
Tue, 16 Nov 2004 00:02:21 +0000

It’s really hard to comment. You really need the help of an english teacher.

You say you have your father’s and your own perspecitve on education but you don’t explain either. Do you really mean perspective? or do you possibly mean experience.

Some sentences don’t make sense: “In essence, my father took advantage of my biggest…” that needs to be fixed.

This is misuse of a colloquial expression should be changed:“if my wind decides to blow another way”

Again passive voice: “The BCA is not offered everywhere, and so it is an opportunity in itself to be part of it.” Also why not explain where it is offered or say how it is limited, rather than say it’s “not offered everywhere”. Passive “it is an opportunity in itself to be part of it.” try saying that you took the opportunity, rather than say vaguely that ‘one’ should.
Try not to use the passive voice: “In high school, an opportunity presented itself; The Business Careers Academy.” Instead try “In high school, I was presented with the opportunity to attend…”

Leave off extra empty words:“In short, it is an academy” just say “It is an academy…”

Overall you two paragraphs are appropriate for an answer to this question, but the writing is poor. Also, try to be direct and say what you mean instead of evading the point.