my INTRODUCTION

[Squeezemycheeeze]

This is the rough draft of my intro… please comment. I didn’t look at grammar. Thank you so much!!

“Dlaczego nie spisz?” I faintly heard my mother’s voice through my earplugs, although I knew she was yelling. The last thing on my mind was explaining why I’m not sleeping. The reason for my distress–the college admissions essay. Spending my seventh consecutive night armed with a copy of 50 Successful College Admissions Essays and a never ending supply of paper, the crusade for the perfect essay left me empty-handed and discouraged. The only piece of advice I could deduce from the million-dollar college admissions book industry was “Be you”. Hoping that “being me” would come naturally, I enthusiastically grabbed my ballpoint and started to fill up blank pages. Alas, I found all the works insufficient. My writing troubles caused me let go of the preconceived notion of the “perfect essay”; I’m going to take a risk. The numerous unforeseen alterations to my essay parallel the changes I’ve faced for the past seventeen years of my life.

[bettina]

<p>What is an Introduction? I think this is not a good topic for a college essay, if that's what you are writing.</p>

[fosselover]

<p>Bettina--why not?
squeezemycheeeze--I like your style, but I'm not an admissions officer. It is witty and will not be like everybody else. As an adult in the working world, this would stand out from the rest of what I read. Good luck</p>

[bettina]

<p>I do think that the subject is cliched, not original. However, I encourage the OP to continue to write it. In reading lots of essays, I often find that one sometimes needs to write stuff like this in order to "get going". Once they ease into the writing and get to the meat of the subject, I often see that students can simply drop these kind of openings that are getting in the way of what they want to say. I do this myself.</p>

<p>The biggest problem here is that the OP thinks s/he can write an essay one paragraph at a time. You need to get the entire thing out, in whatever horrible form, in order to find the true subject and in order to develop ideas. Then you can distill and improve and move things around through the rewrite process.</p>

[Georgie]

<p>It strikes me as well-written, but too much like a gimmick. You don't come off (as intended) like a free thinker, you come off as a good writer trying to be a great writer.</p>

[fosselover]

<p>Bettina--Are you an English teacher or AO?</p>

[ubercollegeman]

<p>Admissions officers tend to not like essays ABOUT the college admission essay and/or process. First of all, it's a bit contrived. Second, it doesn't say a ton about you. In other words, don't try it unless you are very, very good. There is an example in Bauld's book about this Princeton essay from a girl who talks about the essay. That essay is GREAT, and even though it is about the college app essay, her personality and spirit really come through.</p>

<p>Your essay, on the other hand, is somewhat witty, but there are a few things to say. First of all, it's not THAT witty. Second of all, you've spent over 150 words, about ONE THIRD of the total length that it should be, talking about nothing specific.</p>

<p>I would write about something more normal. Either that, or get to the point fast.</p>

[Squeezemycheeeze]

<p>thank you guys for your insight. I was thinking that it might be a little cliche , but I think that this just enabled me to 'get going'. I'm really greatful for the comments and use them to the best of my ability.
The intro is a bit wordy. Heh</p>