My mailman's name is Richard

Wheaty
Fri, 15 Mar 2013 16:41:23 +0000

Roboloto,

Haha, okay, okay, here is the epilog…

I have two daughters and my oldest was the subject of the Richard story and yes my D1 finally got the large envelope. My D1 had 3 reach schools in her pile of applications and her results were interesting. Her stats were very low for USC, UCLA, and Wake Forest but she was accepted to all three based on her outstanding art portfolio (Fine Art major). She was denied by some target schools on her list (hey Pepperdine, shove it!) and we both learned a lot from which schools said yes and which said no.

Back in 2010, USC sent notices of acceptance by US Mail (DHL for Int’l) and they sent the letters in waves. My daughter’s letter came in the 3rd or 4th wave and so the scene was quite dramatic when it finally arrived. I know you’ll disagree but there was a kind of elegance to receiving your decision by mail.

I’ve told my kids that they’ve done the work so in the end they get to choose which school to attend and in this case my D1 picked UCLA. Both schools have top-flight art schools and D1 felt UCLA-Art was just a shade better for her. At the time, comparing these two fine reach schools was kind of like going in to buy a Ford and getting told you can have the Porsche or BMW for the same price. Deciding which one seemed like a fantasy. Since enrolling she has done extremely well, loves her school and her program, and she is now looking at grad school applications.

Roboloto, you don’t know this because you aren’t an art major but USC-Roski has some really REALLY nice people and they went out of their way to not only accept my daughter but to recruit her after the acceptance. I’m always grateful when someone helps my kids and even now it’s hard to put into words how I feel about the efforts made by USC-Roski on behalf of my daughter.

As a result of the above experience, I have been outspoken about the benefits of the University of Southern California. In my circle of friends I have become known as the ‘college guru’ as this admissions thing has become a near full time hobby for me. I have helped lots and lots of friend’s kids with the application process (and with much success!) and I’m now on my 3rd batch of Trojan hopefuls… including my D2.

D2 is a current senior and she is waiting for her decision just like all of you. She wants to be a filmmaker but she’s taking the long road to get there - an undergrad in creative writing first followed by an MFA in film production. Her stats are above USC’s averages but at this level nothing is ‘safe’ and so we wait it out while pretending not to care.

Best,
Wheaty

PS…

But wait, I know what you’re thinking Roboloto, WHAT ABOUT RICHARD???

I remember that scorching hot Wednesday like it was yesterday. In a panic, I had ordered a replacement gyro sighting system for the Turbo X-15 wrist rocket and I had just gotten the FedEx overnight package. I couldn’t get the original gyro to spin up no matter how hard I tried and I know ordering a second unit seems wasteful but this is war people. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I was in the side yard, close to my blind and almost ready to rock and roll. All that needed doing was to switch the gyro units and get the ice cube ammo from the fridge and I had a comfortable 60 minutes to accomplish all that before Dick’s normal ETA. The switching the gyros was proving to be really difficult as cigar ash and sweat kept fouling the gyro mount. Grrrr. Clean it out and start over. Oh crap, what’s that sound? Funny things happen during wartime - was I hearing things? It sounds just like…

I peaked from behind my Ducks Unlimited anniversary edition urban camouflage blind to see that idiotic white truck. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Forget the gyro, too late now, I’ll have to go fully manual. (I know, pitiful right?) “Honey, get the ice cubes!!!”, I scream at the house hoping against hope that Mrs. Wheaty can hear me. “HONEY!!!”, argh, I groan inward, this is killing me.

For some unknown reason Richard was an hour early. A million thoughts ran through my head, how is this possible, should I make a broken field run to the other side of the yard where my backup ammo is stored in the Jensen Midas series 1015-N (the secret is the nitrogen!) cooler?

It was too late - he was here. The truck pulled up to our mailbox and the engine went as dead as my heart. Nothing moved on our entire block and no sound was heard for what seemed like a very long time. Suddenly, the the right door swings open and out pops… some non-Richard postman. Lanky and loose this new postman started flinging mail into my box with an energy Richard had never known in his life. Bang, bang, bang, mail was hitting the back of the box with enough force to make sounds that reminded me I was still at war.

Slowly I come out from my hiding space and into view and this new guy regards me with suspicion but that quickly fades to a grin. With a dopey grin, a strong accent, and a deep bow he says “Halo, I am Vladimir and I am your new postal delivery agent”.
Wheaty: “Wha wha wha where’s Richard?”
Vladimir: “He has been relieved from his duties.”
Wheaty: “That can’t be, I have unfinished…”
Vladimir: “Why are you wearing night-vision googles around your neck in the middle of the day?”
Wheaty: “Ahhh, er…”
Without warning, Vladimir spun and opened my mailbox with enough force that I heard one of the hinge pins snap, he reached in and grabed the whole stack in one shot and he spun back to present it to me.
Vladimir: “It is an honor to deliver this United States mail to you!”
I swear I heard his heals click but my memory is a bit fuzzy about that. A lot to process in a short time. He handed me the stack of mail and slipped into his truck and I was sort of frozen. Transfixed by the events. The truck fired up and as he drove off I heard a loud backfire, at least I think it was backfire, and it jolted me back to reality.
As I watched the truck drive off Mrs. Wheaty was coming down the driveway with a large bucket of ice pellets.
Mrs. Wheaty: “Hey, you got the mail - did she get in?”
Wheaty: “Huh? Oh yeah… lemme look.”
The largest of the envelopes was the the first that I looked at and what do you know - it had a cardinal colored USC logo in the upper left-hand corner.