need help on the essay - dec 4th

Wood5440
Sun, 28 Nov 2010 01:23:46 +0000

After re-reading your essay, I see your Charlemagne paragraph contains more of what I didn’t find in your Quinones paragraph. The fault is partly mine, and partly yours. I read as an essay reader would read, quickly and looking for several different things- spelling, sentence structure, etc- at the same time. I formed an impression from your intro and first paragraph that led me to under-rate your second. There are two good points of analysis in the paragraph: knowledge as a unifying force among previously divided people and knowledge as a source of national prestige. Even though I read the essay twice, I missed these points. They passed by without my registering them. They needed to be emphasized, highlighted, and that means repeated in some way. You had two chances to do that. The first was in the closing sentence of the paragraph, and the second was in the closing paragraph of the essay. Look at those two places in your essay and see what you wrote. In both places your sentences rely on my memory of your points rather than refreshing my memory of your points.
You’ll get more points for your points if you make sure the reader knows that they’re there.
By the way, I know time is an issue, but the repetition doesn’t have to be wordy. As in, ‘Knowledge gave Charlemagne the power to unify a nation and to raise that nation to greatness.’